Being a Victim
Answers to your child's questions about abuse.
by Deanna S. Pledge Ph.D.

PARENTGUIDE News November 2003

In 2000, Child Protective Services responded to three million reports of child abuse involving five million children and teens. Growing up in an abusive environment can make a kid feel tense, confused and alone. If your child has been abused, he probably has lots of questions, some that are pretty specific. Here are some answers to some of those questions:

• What if I was abused by someone my own age? Can bullying be considered abuse?
Someone your own age can be abusive toward you, whether it involves sexual, physical or emotional behaviors. Bullying is often similar to emotional abuse (such as name-calling) and sometimes physical abuse (such as pushing or shoving). Although another tween doesn’t have any official authority or control over you, his or her behavior can still intimidate you and leave you feeling bad about yourself.

• What if I caused the abuse, maybe I’m partly to blame?
The abuser wants you to feel that you’re to blame. But there’s nothing you could have done to “cause” the abuse. It doesn’t matter how you dressed or if you were drinking— you didn’t cause the abuse. You may have even said “No,” and the abuse still happened. The abuser is responsible for his or her actions and probably intimidated, forced or coerced you to get you to participate.

• What if I’ve been abusive toward others?
Sometimes people who have been abused will abuse others, but that doesn’t always happen. Even if you have abused others, you can choose to stop, although you’ll probably need help to do so. Lots of people who’ve been abused try to go on without thinking about what’s happened to them or by blocking out the pain of the abuse. Stopping your own abusive behavior means you’ll have to deal with your feelings about your own experience of being abused. Some people who abuse others are unaware that they’ve been abused themselves. The behavior of abusing others is often a way your body communicates or telegraphs that you’ve been abused. You can find other ways to release your feelings related to the abuse. As a place to start, you can brainstorm ideas on your own, but abuse makes life complicated, so finding a professional to help you is strongly recommended. Remind yourself: “I can choose to stop my behavior.”

• What if I’ve been abused by someone I met in a chatroom? The person pretended to be someone he or she wasn’t.
Chatrooms are potentially very dangerous. In these settings, adults often pretend to be younger, especially those who want to abuse children and teens. It’s a bad idea to give out personal information or meet someone in person who you’ve met online. It can be tempting to do so when you’re sharing your feelings with someone online, but there are many “predators” on the Internet. The person may take advantage of you. If you were abused by someone you met in a chatroom, tell someone— a teacher, your DARE officer at school, a scout leader or coach, or your parents. You may have know that what you were doing was risky and are now afraid of getting in trouble, but those around you want to be safe. If you’re in trouble, they want to help. If you’re 20 miles from home or 200 miles from home meeting this person, call for help— it’s never too late. If you haven’t met this person yet, don’t.

• What if I’m a boy who has been sexually abused by a man? Does this mean
I’m gay?
This is a really common— and difficult— question for boys. Just because you’ve been sexually abused by a man doesn’t mean you’re gay. You didn’t choose to have sexual contact with another male— the abused was the one making the decisions. What you experienced was an attack. You weren’t choosing to have this happen to you. An attacker’s actions, even if they include some sexual activity, can’t turn you into a gay person. If you are gay, it’s not because someone abused you. You were a victim of the person’s decisions and actions.

• What if the abuser was drunk or high?
Many people tend to “let the abuser off” or don’t hold the person responsible if the abuser was drinking or using drugs during the abuse. Although drug use can impair judgement, it doesn’t absolve the abuser of responsibility. The abuser still chose his or her actions. If the abuser was drinking or using other drugs, he or she may remember fewer details about the abuse, but that doesn’t change the fact that you were hurt and that it was abuse. Remind yourself: “The abuser is always responsible for what happened.”

• What if I was drunk or high when the abuse occurred?
Drinking or getting high puts anyone at greater risk for being abused. You’re much less able to take care of yourself by following through after you’ve said “No.” If you’re drunk or high, you may be even less aware of the abuse actually happening. Many sexual abusers want you to drink or get high because then you’re much more vulnerable and likely to let them do what they want. It’s important to remember, however, that it’s still abuse, even if you were under the influence of alcohol or other drugs.

• What if I’ve been abuse by someone in my church, synagogue or other religious place?
One of the difficult things about this kind of abuse is how others see the abuser. Religious leaders are respected by adult members of the congregation, making it even harder for you to speak up. As with abuse by a family member, you may have positive and negative feelings about someone in the church, synagogue or mosque who abuses you. Unfortunately, the authority from this position is usually a large part of the control they have over you. Finding someone who will listen to you may be a challenge, but you’ll find the support you need. Think about the people you trust and talk to them about what happened.

Deanna S. Pledge, Ph.D., is a psychologist in private practice and an assistant professor. She has worked with abused children and teens in both private and public settings for over a decade. She is the author of When Something Feels Wrong: A Survival Guide About Abuse (For Young People) (free spirit Publishing).