When Someone has Passed On
Helping tweens face death.
by Elizabeth Berger Ph.D.

PARENTGUIDE News November 2003

Parents often dread the day they have to face the issue of death within their family or their close friends with their tween— and no wonder. The parent has his own grief to handle, as well as their tween’s questions and distress. Understanding the developmental level of the tween’s emotions and style of thinking can help parents respond to him or her with sensitivity and candor.

Children between the ages of 8 and 12 approach the world in terms of structure and regularity— schoolwork and games at this age reflect these principles. The school-aged child is a creature of habit, of routine, of compliance with rules. The death of someone close to him shakes his faith in the order of things. Foremost is probably the direct loss of the relationship with the deceased person, which the tween has taken for granted and presupposed would always be there for him. But because their thinking is also quite concrete, the school-aged child may have great difficulty formulating the sense of loss into words. He wants to know, “How can it possibly be that Grandpa is gone? How do I replace the sense of love that I had for him, and the expectation of his love which I have always depended on for a sense of security?” He also fears the death of his parents and his own death, anxieties that come to the fore at these times. No parent can provide a complete answer to these questions, which go to the heart of grief as an eternal mystery for all human beings. But the parent can understand that the tween is less experienced in these matters, and is coping with them for the first time.

The tween, stunned for the first time with the pain of loss, may anticipate this pain will never change or go away. It is useful to explain that grief lessens with time, and that although the beloved person remains in our memories, our suffering attenuates eventually. The youngster may protest against the idea that he will ever feel better as an expression of his loyalty to the deceased— denial of death, denial of the existence of grief, and denial that the process of grief will resolve are all commonplace reactions to loss. But even for the defiant tween who clings to his acute grief, the parent’s conviction that time heals suffering is a covert solace.
On the other hand, parents may be astonished at the tween’s unseemingly bland acceptance of the death of someone familiar to him. Youngsters cannot sustain moods as adults do, so it is typical that children laugh and chatter at “inappropriate” times for bereaved families even though they are quite affected at other moments. Some tweens may react to the stress of death with anger, restlessness, bitterness, mischief or immaturity. A wise parent can empathize with and shore up the tween’s neediness of these moments by offering moral support, rather than scolding the youngster for thoughtlessness.

Parents benefit from considering how the circumstances of death often have been, from the tween’s perspective— silently cheating the kid all along. The parent’s preoccupation with the illness, accident or other crisis surrounding the event itself takes a heavy toll on the tween, who may have felt brushed aside and neglected. Preparations for funerals and memorial services, the presence of out of town guests, the loss of ordinary routine, and the parent’s need to put up a brave front all disrupt the tween’s ordinary experiences of support and nurturing. It is a sad fact that the deceased person who was gravely ill toward the end may have been unlike his usual self to the tween and left him with memories of irritable, irrational, frightening and otherwise traumatic images; adults can understand these developments whereas the tween may take such assaults very personally. Explaining that the deceased person was not himself toward the end and did not cease loving him despite his behavior may help the tween cope with these events.

Parents are often in a quandary to know whether their tween should attend a viewing or funeral. The answer depends on the circumstances and the particular tween. Generally, it is wise to respect the tween’s wishes, after explaining in as neutral a way as possible what he should expect to see and experience. Perhaps the tween would wish to leave after part of the services, and a family friend can be asked beforehand to take him home.

It is often not so much a question of the parent finding specific magic words, but offering the tween a sense of love and security that helps the youngster the most during any difficult period. This may not always involve words. The bereaved tween needs to know that he can lean on adults upon whom he is so clearly dependent, and that their love for him is reliable despite the immediate crisis. Of course, part of expressing love for the tween is being a patient and good listener; unstructured opportunities to share time with the youngster, to open up the subject to see what the tween wishes to make of it, and to be available to answer the tween’s questions are all great comforts to tweens. Death is often an occasion to reflect upon religious and philosophical themes— sometimes asking the child (rather than telling him) how he understands the passage of human life provides the basis for a discussion that is deeply enriching and meaningful to both parties.