"Mom-I
Need My Privacy"
Where to draw the line and when
to butt in.
by Margaret Sagarese
PARENTGUIDE News January
2004
Gurgles rising from my infant’s
crib at dawn... I can still
hear Skyler Rose’s goo-goos
and ga-gaas as if it were yesterday.
I remained half snoozing, because
I knew my baby was safe, mesmerized
by a swirling mobile of swinging
stars. My memory fastforwards
to 7-year-old Skyler ushering
her CareBears into an audience
to be tucked in with a bedtime
story. I restrained myself from
intruding back then. Instinctively
I knew that she, like all children,
needed time alone to explore
her private world.
How come all this changed when
she turned 12? When tweenage
Sky sauntered or stomped into
her bedroom and closed the door,
my mommy gauge triggered an
alarm. Truth be told, I felt
downright suspicious. As the
co-author of five parenting
books about 10 to 15-year-olds
and hence, a sounding board
for thousands of parents of
late, I know my reaction is
not unusual. It’s typical.
When tweenagers hold up in bedrooms
or within silences— many
parents worry.
To assuage foreboding and reassure
themselves, many take action.
Mothers and dads confess that
they snooped. Why? It’s
fast. It’s easy. It’s
even been recommended by the
sheriff from Littleton, Colorado,
where the infamous Columbine
school massacre occurred.
Wait a minute, though. What
about violating privacy? To
that question many parents argue:
“Can a tweenager be trusted?”
Coming of age in a world polluted
by pedophiles, drugs and AIDS,
has it become too risky to leave
these young adolescents to their
own devices? The debate rages
in homes across America, parents
and teens taking sides in the
privacy dilemma, mirroring privacy
standoffs between politicians
and activists, and even celebrities
and paparazzi.
When it comes to our children,
though, there is a way to get
the scoop without stooping to
KGB tactics. Taking a high road
to knowing your child is the
best route for many reasons.
Not
a Ruse, Just a Natural Development
Around age 12, the need for
privacy emerges. Keeping mum,
or even keeping secrets, constructing
a private life with their peers
apart from the eyes and ears
of parents, these happen according
to a natural, normal plan. Children
this age begin a separation
dance that climaxes when they
head off to college or apartments
during early adulthood. Therefore,
it’s in their best interest
and ours (unless you want a
20-something underfoot forever)
to nourish this evolving independence.
Bedroom...
Prime Battle Zone
The average new home in America
suburbia boasts 2,330 square
feet of living space, compared
to the 1,500 average 30 years
ago. Houses have supersized.
Families have downsized. According
to 2000 census data: eight in
ten families with children include
only one or two offsprings.
So for most, a tweenager’s
castle is his bedroom. Listening
to music, wallpapering posters
and memorabilia, doing school
work, gossiping with one another
on cell phones or PCs—
these are the likely pursuits.
One thing they are not doing—
cleaning that room.
It’s hard enough for parents
to weather adjusting to the
migration of a child from family
areas. And a closed door feels
like an insult because, heretofore,
your son had an open door policy.
Fights ensue. Kids complain,
“My parents barge in without
knocking.” Furthermore,
most lament the eternal nag
of “Clean your room.”
Instead of drawing battlelines,
lighten up. While ground rules
need to be set about dirty laundry
going into the hamper and no
food restrictions, be respectful
and more flexible about the
bedroom’s state. Knock
before entering. When you are
invited in, look around. Instead
of zeroing in on the rumpled
dungarees and smelly Sketchers,
notice who the pin-ups are,
what sort of stuff breeds therein.
Everything says something about
who your son or daughter is
becoming, who he/she admires.
Provide a blank bulletin board,
photo album and a camera to
see and learn much more.
Relax, your tween is not plotting
mayhem. But what if? You should
be concerned when your child
locks his door, seems eternally
raging in and out of his room,
and remains friendless and isolated.
Then investigate further. Talk
to teachers. Have a heart to
heart about your concerns. Otherwise,
overlook an eternally messy
room inhabited by a touchy tween.
One day, sooner than you think,
he’ll be gone and you’ll
be wishing for dirty sweats
to launder.
Friends
You Don’t Trust
If you’ve seen the movie
Thirteen, you must feel that
every new friend that your daughter
brings around makes you squeamish.
Can you trust that girl or your
girl?? It’s too bad you
can’t pick her friends
like you could when she was
younger. Maybe you should take
a sneak peak into her diary
or her e-mail. Don’t!
Listen up because the more pressing
question is.... Can your daughter
trust you?
You see, these are the years
when kids rove in packs. Peers
serve purposes. They provide
much needed companionship during
that separation process which
is scary for youngsters. Fitting
in helps a child understand
who she is. At the same time,
these secret societies carry
dangers. When your child is
out with friends, that’s
when she will court adventure
and be tempted by risky behaviors,
namely experimenting with cigarettes,
alcohol, drugs and sexual activity.
If you don’t like your
child’s friend, don’t
criticize as in “Britney
has such a foul mouth,”
or “Courtney dresses like
a slut.” Make observations
instead. “Why does Britney
curse so much? Is she angry
about something?” Or “What
statement is Courtney trying
to make with her outfits?”
Rather than jump to her friend’s
defense, your daughter will
mull over your words. Frankly,
you’ll fight less this
way and make more of an impact.
Building the trust up between
you and your tween should be
your goal. Spying, stalking
or snooping will only short
circuit your relationship. When
your tween sees a friend doing
something stupid, you want him
to turn to you as a sounding
board. He will if you are trustworthy.
Always make time to talk to
your children and get to know
their friends, watch for signs
of trouble, supervise closely
and punish misbehavior.
Parenting tweenagers is not
for the faint of heart. It is
risky business. Your best asset
is trust. Respect privacy in
all the zones your child covets
it— the bedroom, friends,
romance, body, school work and
even the Internet. Build bridges,
not walls.
Margaret
Sagarese, along with co-author
Charlene C. Giannetti, is the
author of Roller-Coaster Years:
Raising Your Child Through the
Magical Maddening Middle School
Years (Broadway Books) and What
Are You Doing In There? Balancing
Your Need to Know with Your
Adolescent’s Need to Grow
(Broadway Books). You can reach
her at msagarese@aol.com.
