When your child begins to need you less and less
by Tom McMahon
PARENTGUIDE News March 2004
Where is that small, charming and helpless kid I once knew? You know the one; he used to come in with a scraped knee and ask me to put on a Band-Aid. We used to have milk and cookies together in the afternoon. He used to listen to my advice. I was his champion. But now all he wants to do is talk to his friends. He acts like he can’t stand to be around me!
He’s doing just what you would expect from a young adolescent between the ages of 11 and 13. The ones often lagging behind— still holding the milk and cookies— are the parents. Instead, they should be changing too, trying on new parenting styles and getting to know this new creature who is emerging from childhood.
Some parents become very threatened by their tween’s newfound quest for independence and react by pulling in the reins even tighter. They may fight to hold on to the child they know so well. The sooner parents establish changes in their own behavior, the less conflict they will have during this transition. In other words, when we focus our attention from our child’s behavior to our own behavior, the relationship will usually turn the corner for the positive.
Building
a bond in early adolescence
1. Be available. Remember that your adolescents
need you just as much as they did when they were
toddlers, but in a different way.
2. Don’t smother them with too many questions,
but ask enough to show your interest in them and
their activities.
3. Each day, tell them that you love them.
4. Communicate to them that you are available: “I’ll
be in the family room if you need me for anything,”
or “Call me at work if you need me for anything.”
5. When they come to you or call you at work, stop
what you’re doing (if possible), maintain
eye contact (if in person) and listen attentively
to them. Listen more than talk (there’s a
reason why we have two ears and only one mouth!).
Try to put yourself in your child’s shoes.
If you were your child right now, how would you
be feeling? As he talks, what are his words and
body language telling you about his feelings?
6. Let them know that you understand their feelings.
7. Keep nagging and lecturing to a minimum.
8. After a few weeks, evaluate if this method has
helped to improve your relationship with your child.
Letting
Go: Encouraging Independence
It has been said that the two most important things
we can give to our children are roots and wings.
Beginning in early adolescence, and continuing throughout
the teen years, the adolescent’s quest for
independence often becomes an arena for conflict.
Although both parents and tweens have the same goal
in mind— autonomy by the end of adolescence—
the rate of change and how it is to be achieved
are frequently points of contention.
Most adolescents want to put as much space between
themselves and their childhood as quickly as possible.
They see glimpses of the future and they want it.
Tweens constantly push their boundaries to experience
new things and try on new personas. They strive
to be independent and self-sufficient.
Parents, on the other hand, are more cautious and
slow in granting independence. One of the toughest
aspects of parenting an adolescent is determining
the right amount of autonomy to extend to a child
at any one point. It becomes a balancing act between
underparenting (not having enough boundaries) and
overparenting (having too many boundaries). A good
rule of thumb is to increase a tween’s privileges
and independence at a rate commensurate to his track
record for maturity, reliability and dependability.
Keep in mind, however, that a tween’s safety
is an important factor in granting more freedom
and independence.
Overparenting may occur if parents try to equate
their love for their tweens with how much they can
do for them. For example, many of us have heard
someone comment, “She’s the most wonderful
mother. What she wouldn’t do for those children!”
But when we do too much for our children, we deprive
them of necessary life experiences. We deprive them
of learning how to solve their own problems.
There are many ways that parents can encourage their
tweens to be independent. Knowing that tweens usually
live up to the expectations of significant others
such as parents and teachers, let them know you
have confidence in them and that you trust their
judgment. Begin treating them more like adults and
less like children. Give them as many opportunities
as possible to make independent decisions and choices.
And let them learn from their mistakes. Don’t
expect major changes to occur overnight. Being an
adult in training involves lots of practice and
trials and errors. The investments we make now during
the tween and teen years will pay off in countless
ways in their future.
Tom McMahon is the author of the book, Teen
Tips: A Practical Survival Guide for Parents with
Kids 11 to 19 (Pocket Books). McMahon writes the
syndicated newspaper column, Kid Tips; is a professor
of developmental psychology; and author of the book,
Kid Tips (Pocket Books).