Brains Versus Beauty
Are boys turned off by smart girls ?
by Margaret Sagarese
PARENTGUIDE News November 2005
Think back to high school: Did any girls that you know ever
“dumb down” on a date to lock lips with a hot jock?
Do today’s girls still compromise their smarts to snare
dream boys?
Stereotypes are alive and well. Even in this new millennium,
girls wonder whether boys prefer unbrainy girls. Ashton Kutcher’s
reality TV hit Beauty and the Geek capitalizes on the classic
caricatures of dorky boy brainiacs lusting after preppy, pretty
but nonintellectual blondes. Beauty remains the ideal for girls
in this show, and even these super smart bookworms want to get
these somewhat unlearned girls. It just does not seem to matter
to these boys that such an IQ-challenged breed will never be
intelligent companions.
For my upcoming book Boy Crazy! Keeping Your Daughter’s
Feet on the Ground When Her Head Is in the Clouds (Broadway
Books), coauthored with Charlene Giannetti, I interviewed tweens,
teens and college women about their romantic lives. Many of
our focus groups detoured on this question: Is being smart an
asset or a liability nowadays for females in the quest for love?
In other words, do contemporary girls fear that being brainy
will make them unattractive to the opposite sex?
Young women just out of high school and into college became
highly emotional on the subject. “I never dated in high
school,” confessed a coed from New York University. “I
never even was asked out by a guy. I’d always been at
the top of my class. Coincidence? I think not. Guys asked for
my help, used me for my skills and never bothered to get to
know who I really was.” Other girls echoed this experience.
For instance, a young Texan gruffed, “My neck of the woods
is full of blond idiots even though these girls have to be smart
to get into the University of Texas. So why can’t I hold
an intelligent conversation with many of them? They act like
dummies because guys like that.”
Were the girls’ sentiments true? Do boys really still
prefer bimbos to literary types? Girls seem to agree that boys
want a dumb, buxom blonde. When we look more closely at these
assumptions, they may be partly true, but not altogether on
target.
Boys of a certain age tend to be intimidated by smart, high
achieving girls, but not exclusively. All girls scare boys.
Our daughters rarely realize this.
Experts on boys, Dan Kindlon, Ph.D. and Michael Thompson, Ph.D.,
coauthors of Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of
Boys (Balantine Books), revealed: “In our talks with boys,
we find that many of them are in awe of girls; curious about
sex and baffled by girls; frightened by their own inexperience
and often unsure of themselves. In the adolescent male culture
of cruelty, boys feel they have to talk about power. Much of
it is in response to the impressive physical presence, social
power, and perceived sexual aggression of adolescent girls.”
In other words, boys shudder because of girls’ confidence,
their sensuality, their developing sexuality— and nearly
every other detail including intelligence. Adolescent boys are
also driven by these insecurities.
Does this mean a boy should be smarter than his girlfriend?
Should he be better at sports? Walk taller? A yes, yes and yes
might make a boy feel less petrified, especially during the
self-conscious adolescent years.
Reassure your daughter, though, that easily intimidated boys
do grow into savvy men who value a girl’s competence and
accomplishments. Truth be told, young men want high-achieving
women. Sociologist Scott South of the State University of New
York at Albany examined what 19-35-year-old young adult males
(white and of color) found desirable in a mate. They were more
willing to marry a woman with more education than they had achieved,
not less. In addition, they valued a woman’s ability to
hold a steady job more than her age, religion or race.
As I’ve traveled across the country and had innumerable
encounters with parents, many have lamented that once their
daughters “discover” boys, academic priorities go
out the window. Is that on purpose? Do girls believe that getting
A grades will cost them points in the dating department?
Girls on the cusp of early adolescence may not necessarily reject
academic achiever status deliberately, so as to win the hearts
of boys. Some may. Many, if not most however, simply become
preoccupied with boys, and their studies temporarily suffer.
Middle school romantics get addicted to what he said and what
she said, endlessly pecking and analyzing in IM land. Their
scholastic lapses can be chalked up to being distracted, not
dumbing down.
Yet, recent statistics on academic achievement and the sexes
may be cause for concern for a different reason. Boys are falling
behind girls in the classroom, according to a 2004 U.S. Department
of Education report. Boys trail girls in reading scores. In
1992, girls had an advantage of 10 points over boys; in 2002
that rose to 16 points. Tests measuring writing ability also
show girls beating boys— a 19 point advantage in 1998
has jumped to 24 points as of 2002. Boys surpass girls in dropout
rates, learning disability diagnoses and attention-deficit medication
prescriptions. The trend is most prevalent in inner cities but
shows up in the wealthiest communities, too. Under-performing
boys may be more uncomfortable than ever before around high-achieving
girls. And high-performing girls may be overly sensitive to
boys’ academic shortcomings. This could result in a refusal
to show boys up in the classroom, and spill-over into how they
act socially.
We can all agree that girls should not act dumber in order to
get the guy. It’s worth having conversations about this
phenomenon. Watch out for any “dumbing down” in
your daughter’s behavior or among her peers. Survey the
girls: Do you ever feel you should hide your intelligence? Do
your girlfriends?
Then explain how boy-girl relationships get complicated during
the tween and teen years. Boys are tentative and this may have
nothing to do with girls’ grades. Lots of confusions swirl
among the sexes as they begin socializing. Once a girl comprehends
how intimidated boys are when it comes to girls, she will be
less inclined to blame brains.
Also, reassure your girls that boys appreciate girls who aspire
to be all they can be. The message girls need to hear is simple:
Be who you are, reaching for your full potential in life and
in love. The two are not mutually exclusive. A boy who is not
comfortable with your intellect is not the equal you need. Your
final word should be this— great boys come to smart girls
who wait.
Margaret Sagarese lectures nationally and is coauthor of
The Roller-Coaster Years (Bloomsbury). She can be reached at
msagarese@aol.com.
Source: “Pay closer attention: Boys are struggling academically.”
USA Today, Dec. 2, 2004.
