Transitions are difficult for pretty much everyone. From a holiday then back to work, or between leaving the demands of the office for the demands at home, you’ve probably heard colleagues, friends, loved ones or yourself lament, “I need a break from…”
Consider then— without an adult’s maturity level, past experiences and learned techniques and defenses— how much more difficult it may be for our children to handle transitions. From a summer vacation to the beginning of a new school year, from weekend freedom to Monday morning rigidity, even the daily awakening from the comfort of home to return to several hours of scheduled, disciplined routine in a place where a need to listen and attend prevails, as does having to perform and be judged academically, it’s no wonder some kids may protest when it comes to returning to school. Here are some ways to deal with children’s complaints and help make school a more inviting place:

Talk/Listen to Your Child
One of the first items to heed when your child complains is to listen to his or her reasons. Try to distinguish with your child’s help if the problem seems primarily physical (stomachache), academic (test anxiety), social (self-esteem issues) or something strategic (avoiding bullies on the bus or taunting in the classroom). Determining the cause or merely getting a hint of your child’s angst can avoid future complaints and help solve the problem.

Explain to your child the importance of attending school, and keep your child in school! Try to avoid setting precedents for missing school other than for illness and the institutionally-sanctioned times off— weekends, holidays, teacher conferences and inclement weather days. The more you allow your child to miss school, the more the child will “need” to stay home. Not only are you avoiding the root of the problem, you are encouraging your child to avoid routine, of regular school attendance and of any school attendance.

Physical Complaints
As important as maintaining regular school attendance, is not forcing a debilitated child to go to school. When your child complains of physical symptoms, and especially if school resistance is a behavioral or emotional change, schedule an appointment with the pediatrician. Regardless of whether your child’s complaints have a medical etiology or are psychosomatic, your child’s physician should be aware of the problem and make a note in the child’s file.
This way, the physician can coordinate the care of your child among various professionals. If it seems your child’s complaints are of a psychogenic nature, the pediatrician can most likely recommend and refer you to a competent therapist who specializes in family and children’s issues. It’s of great value for your child’s psychotherapist to know that medical causes have been ruled out. You may visit such a clinician before seeing a physician, but you will find that a psychotherapist will probably advise you to also rule out the need for medical intervention.

Academic and Behavioral Problems
For children whose school record includes a history of academic and/or behavioral problems, or if you’re able to determine your child’s resistance as related to academic or behavioral issues, consider requesting a psycho-educational assessment to account for any learning disabilities. Such an assessment can be conducted by a school-based support team through the Board of Education or by a psychologist in private practice. Your child’s teachers will be a good resource for advice in this area.

Unfortunately, it’s all too common for parents and sometimes administrators to consider a child “lazy,” “stubborn,” “recalcitrant,” when in fact the child may have a neurologically-based learning disorder. Broadly, a learning disorder could be blindness, deafness or paralysis. More narrowly, and often less easily recognized, a learning disability could be a problem with perceptual-visual-motor coordination. Disorders of attention and hyperactivity lie perhaps
midway on the spectrum of recognition. Also, not to be neglected are problems of an emotional nature, such as any of the affective disorders of depression or anxiety. These may be noted by your child’s pediatrician or teachers. A social worker, psychologist or psychiatrist can then further assess the problem to prescribe the appropriate intervention.
For all the above academic/behavioral problems and more, help is available through various professionals in the fields of education, social work, psychology and medicine. Use them. Let them do their work. Allow them to share their expertise with each other and with you, and ask them for their recommendations.

Homework
If your child has complaints of school, almost inevitably homework will be included. After a day of structured and supervised school activity, your child should have a break upon arriving home. Allot for 30-60 minutes of relaxation time of the child’s preference. Afterwards, and until dinner time if necessary, homework should be worked on. Break for dinner; and homework continues after meal time as long as necessary until bedtime.
With the exception of your child’s initial break time to unwind after school, homework should be done before any other play or recreational activity, including the telephone. The built-in reward for completing homework in a timely manner is that recreation may fill whatever time remains before bed. Where possible, try to save family chores for weekends. Your child’s primary responsibility from Sunday through Thursday is school and homework. Play runs a close second. Play is one of the ways children develop psychologically.
Different children demand different degrees of attention and help with homework. If school frustrations continue to arise, a clinician specializing in work with families can help define the nature and amount of help needed and the manner of delivery most beneficial to your child that’s also possible for you, given your own responsibilities and stress level. Your primary responsibility as a parent is to provide the structure, as in the expectation of work before play, as well as the time, space and material for homework.

Bedtime
By bedtime, even if your child has not finished homework, spend a short time (ten-15 minutes) with him. Acknowledge any of his or her disappointments at the end of the day of which you are aware. Sympathize without promising a cure. Do your best to find something positive directly related to your child that you can comment on, take note and compliment. Remember you can compliment effort even if the performance results or the child’s frustrations with school were less than stellar.

Discipline
Regarding school behavior problems, a general guideline is to have the school discipline your child. Remain in touch with the school and aware of any trouble your child stirs. If you do not agree with the discipline that the school deems appropriate, discuss with the appropriate school personnel to hopefully reach an agreement. Given that, you should be supportive of the school. You should not impose a secondary level of punishment at home for in school behavior. Again, let the school do its job. You may inform your child of your disappointment and concern, however, do not double team your child with your disapproval.

Validate Your Child
When children complain of school, many parents, with the best intentions, attempt to talk their children out of their thoughts, beliefs and feelings. Do not do this. Do not try to convince them that “things are not so bad after all,” or that “it will be better than you anticipate.” Don’t debate with them, either. Instead, acknowledge and validate their feelings of reluctance, fear, regret, anger; unfairness of the world, teacher or even you, the parent. Even if you disagree, let your kids know that you hear their dissatisfaction. You might even convey to them that, given their description of the situation, you can understand why they feel the way they do. Then brainstorm with them for compromises and possible solutions. You can also do this if you’re skeptical of the scenario and complaint your child presents. Helping them to solve or ameliorate a situation, even something you’re skeptical of, teaches children how to take responsibility for their thoughts and feelings.

To that end, recognize and accept your limitations as a parent by not trying to do more than you are expected to do. You provide the groundwork and the atmosphere in which your children have the opportunity to thrive, encouraging them to thrive in the classroom as well. Actively participate with professionals in various areas of your child’s lives. But remember, you can not and are not supposed to know it all. You may unashamedly seek advice for getting to the root of complaints and helping your child cope with transitions. Then let your children grow into who they will become at school and out in the world.

Stephen W. Randolph, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist who maintains a private practice on Manhattan’s Upper West Side. Dr. Randolph’s specialties include work with children, adolescents and families. He may be reached for professional consultation at (212)724-8838.