How to Deal
Helping children and teens manage the stress associated with terrorism.
by Debra Carr

PARENTGUIDE News December 2005

T he increase in terrorist attacks in various parts of the world over the past few years has sent parents and children searching for answers and ways to cope. How parents manage their own response to such events often impacts how their children manage stress on a daily basis. There are many things parents can do to help their children cope with terrorism, including being sensitive to the developmental level of the child, modeling behavior, providing context and encouraging communication.

HOW DO I TALK TO MY CHILD ABOUT THESE EVENTS?
A child’s understanding of current world events is often largely dependent on the child’s age.

• Speak to your child’s level of understanding. A school-aged child’s developmental tasks include making friends, learning and following rules and understanding morals. Likewise, a school-aged child is learning concepts that are often raised by terrorism, including distinctions between right and wrong as well as differences among religious values, rules and morals.
Your child may not understand just how he is different or why, but it may be helpful to discuss the idea that not everyone lives by the same principles and beliefs. A discussion about how people deal with conflicts in competing interests can be a helpful follow-up conversation.
Where the school-aged child has rather concrete ideas that he or she may be challenging, the teenager has more abstract reasoning skills, allowing for a “big picture” sense of societal rules, politics and violence. The adolescent has more questions about motive and social cause and effect, as he or she tries to make sense of others’ values and lifestyles. Adolescents are also experimenting with different values and lifestyles to see what fits or feels most comfortable to them.
While parents may not be able to help resolve ideological conflicts with their teen, a willingness to entertain and answer questions can foster a sense of greater understanding. This understanding is likely to promote a sense of calmness for the adolescent. In contrast, to maintain silence or a sense of taboo by not talking about fearful situations can help increase fear and reinforce a sense of vulnerability.
• Be honest. Children and adolescents appreciate honesty. They can usually tell when an adult is not being honest with them, even when the adult has the best of intentions. Trying to shield children and teens from fear and harm is our natural inclination. To fully protect our children from distress, however, they need opportunities to exercise judgment and create safe environments for themselves. It is important to be consistent in your actions and your words; otherwise, your child will see that disconnect and question the sincerity of your message.
• Encourage communication. Children and adolescents need to ask questions and talk about things that frighten or confuse them, sometimes repetitively. Encourage communication about stress and the stressful environments in which many of us live by acknowledging that a fundamental goal of terrorism is to scare and stress people. This type of conversation may help your child understand that he or she is not alone in having such feelings.
By asking children and teens if they have questions, or asking them about how they are feeling at school, with friends and at home, parents can begin a dialogue. School-aged children may be more comfortable drawing or doing physical activities in addition to, or instead of, talking about their fears or concerns.
• Be aware of yourself. When you initiate conversation about stress and issues related to terrorism, it is equally important to be aware of your language and your own fears and biases. It is okay for parents to be honest and admit that they don’t know or understand something. Parents often feel “on the spot” to provide an answer to a child’s question. Giving inaccurate information can unintentionally raise levels of distress and confusion for your child.
Knowing your fears and biases may also help create a better sense of calm and safety for your child, as this awareness may help you manage your actions and reactions during difficult situations and conversations. Children and teens are highly influenced by parents’ language and behavior. The more you are aware of— and manage— your feelings, the more emotionally available you are to help your child.
Seeking professional help if you feel the need for more support can model self-awareness and problem-solving behavior for your child or teen. It may also prompt your child to communicate to you if he or she feels a similar degree of stress or desire for additional support.

HOW DO I HELP MY CHILD DEAL WITH STRESS?
• Create structure and limitations. One of the things we know about the events of 9/11 is how people were constantly exposed to tragedy through television. Being aware of how much television and which programs your child watches will you help set limits. Be available to discuss what your child is watching, to help him or her make sense of disturbing images. The discussion may also clarify what are often snippets of a story that can leave lasting, visual perceptions without a sense of understanding.
• Provide context. Acknowledging that terrorist activities are relatively new in the U.S. as compared with other areas of the world may provide some context for your child. Noting that leaders, politicians, teachers, parents and children are all learning how to best provide the highest degree of safety helps provide context for the lack of “mastery” in such difficult circumstances. While the events have been frightening and tragic, it is important to highlight for your child that they are infrequent.
• Be a model. Children learn from their parents. A parent who is willing to discuss feelings and events related to terrorism personifies tolerant and caring traits. Planning with the family how they may respond in a crisis— such as where to go and who to call— and acknowledging some vulnerability in the face of uncertainty, parents exhibit strength and integrity. This behavior also models the ability to plan for difficult circumstances as a way of providing safety and protection for the family

Dr. Debra Carr is a clinical psychologist and the director of adolescent-focused programs at the New York University’s Institute for Trauma and Stress at the Child Study Center in Manhattan. She provides treatment and consultation in helping teens to foster life skills and stress management.