Speak Up to Bullying
When and how parents should intervene.
by Scott Cooper
PARENTGUIDE News December 2005
One day my 11-year-old son Jackson walked
into our kitchen without his usual carefree
cheerfulness at the end of a long school day.
He was withdrawn and didn’t want to
talk. My wife sensed something was wrong,
and after some coaxing, finally got to the
bottom of things. My son had worn his new
red basketball shoes to school and an older
boy and his buddies had come up and said,
“I’m the only one in this school
who has red shoes. If you wear those tomorrow,
we’re going to beat you up!”
Fortunately, in this case, school administrators
jumped in and took swift and disciplined action.
The bully was immediately confronted and told
that if it ever happened again, or if he followed
through on his threat, he would be out of
school. He was told not to talk to my son
again about this, and he never did.
In a 2002 Kaiser Family Foundation report,
children ranked bullying as their biggest
concern— bigger than drugs and discrimination.
Studies conclude that most bullying happens
in the school environment, and ¾ of
school-oriented bullying happens in the playground.
Harassment (words, looks and gestures) is
the most common form of bullying among boys,
and social exclusion and malicious gossip
are common forms among girls. About twice
as much bullying happens in the primary grades
as in the secondary grades.
Bullies are often the product of poor child-rearing
(lack of attachment and warmth with a primary
caregiver, and violent and inconsistent discipline);
environment (toleration of bullying); and
individual child temperament (some kids are
more aggressive and have greater desire for
control and power). Victims tend to be more
anxious and timid, and have problems with
social skills and connections. But these are
generalizations— virtually anyone can
be involved in the bullying cycle.
We parents can’t be at school to protect
our children, so we need to give them the
skills to deal with teasing and bullying.
We also need to intervene as needed to keep
them out of harm’s way. When it comes
to bullying, a critical factor that is needed
at all levels is to speak up. The greatest
ally of any form of physical or verbal abuse
is silence. Our children need to be taught
to speak up to bullies, to speak up to teachers
when teasing and bullying won’t stop,
to speak up to principals when they witness
others being bullied and to speak up to us
to let us know what’s going on at school.
Additionally, school administrators and teachers
need to speak up and let all students know
that bullying won’t be tolerated and
that nobody has the right to bully another
student. And parents need to speak up to ensure
that bullying of their child comes to a swift
end.
Here’s more detail on what you can do
as a parent to assertively counter bullying:
• Develop a warm relationship with your
children so that they feel comfortable coming
to you with personal problems. Help them feel
comfortable about expressing themselves and
speaking up, as long as it’s done respectfully.
Take note if your child becomes withdrawn,
doesn’t eat, seems noticeably depressed
and doesn’t want to go to school. These
may be signs of bullying at school.
• Don’t minimize their experiences
and how they feel about them. Be a source
of support and protection, not a critic. If
they feel that they’re being bullied,
take it seriously and get to the bottom of
it.
• Within reason, help your child fit
in and develop social connections. This can
include encouraging them to have friends over
and participate in youth groups. Give tips
on positive social behavior: being kind to
others and avoiding things that annoy other
kids.
• Teach, role-play and practice how
to deal with children who tease and bully.
Researchers at the University of California
at San Francisco School of Medicine have found
that, with proper training even timid children
can learn to deal effectively with teasers.
In relation, my book Speak Up and Get Along!
(Free Spirit Press) provides a number of verbal
skills that children can learn to deal with
teasing and bullying.
Speaking up to other kids in non-confrontational
ways, learning to shrug certain comments off,
using conditional phrasing, providing light
comebacks and quickly getting away from danger
are all strategies that children should have
in their social skills tool box. When bullies
discover that another child isn’t an
easy or fun victim, they will often back off.
• Get involved with your child’s
school to make sure it:
— has a reasonable but strict code of
conduct when it comes to bullying that is
consistently enforced (ideally such a code
is posted in every school classroom).
— communicates continuously in assemblies,
classrooms and on an individual basis about
its zero tolerance for bullying as well as
the responsibility of all students to refrain
from harassment.
— has good playground supervision.
— encourages and promotes anonymous
“telling.” In contrast to tattling,
telling is standing up for people’s
rights and safety.
— has programs that foster the development
of social connections and group support, such
as buddy programs where kids in older grades
are assigned to kids in younger grades.
If your child’s school has a particular
problem with bullying, have administrators
check out the Olweus Whole School Program:
www.clemson.edu/olweus/, for implementation
of school-wide change and improvement. Assertively
intervene when necessary with school personnel,
school board members, other parents, other
children and school counselors. In extreme
cases, consider enrolling your children in
a new school, taking legal action or contacting
police.
Under federal law, children have the right
to attend school without being harassed. How
many of us adults would put up with verbal
or physical harassment in the workplace without
getting help? Our children need to be told
that they shouldn’t put up with any
form of harassment in school. They need to
be taught to speak up rather than put up with
this kind of behavior. As their parents, we
can do much to train them, protect them and
influence our schools to do the same.
Scott Cooper is an anti-bullying advocate
who regularly writes and conducts workshops
on the topic and has served on many youth-related
boards in northern California. He is the author
of Speak Up and Get Along! (Free Spirit Press)
and Sticks and Stones (Crown).
