The Tween Years:
Where your child’s future begins.
by Jeanne Webster CPC


PARENTGUIDE News March 2005

If you are the parent of a “tween,” there’s good news and there’s bad news. The bad news is your tween is about to enter the teen years and that stage of life begins the separation phase. The separation phase is characterized by constant disagreement; if you say the sky is a beautiful blue, your teen will say it’s grey. No matter what you say, they will almost always say the opposite. Their 14-year-old friends, their friends’ parents and their teachers will all be smarter than you. This will be the point at which you will be convinced that an alien pod person has replaced that loving child you used to know. The separation phase is a necessary and vital stage of your child’s life. They have to separate from your ideas and opinions in order to form their own ideas and opinions. If they don’t go through this phase, they will never become independent adults. Rest assured they still need and love you; they just refuse to show it. And then there is the good news.

The good news is there’s still time before the separation phase to open new lines of communication, and keep them open during the difficult separation stage. One important line of discussion you will want to open concerns your child’s future. It will be necessary through high school to be able to motivate your child and help him define who he is and what he believes in.

High school is a time for some major transitions. There are huge biological changes that will take place if they haven’t already. Your son or daughter will be seeking their position on the social food chain, determining where they fit in with their peers. The need to study and make good grades is mixed in this transition soup and so is preparing them for college or real life. Four years is not a lot of time to sort all this out.
High school and college are still sheltered years living in an environment that is structured for them. It is unfair to expect a child with no “real life” experience to decide what they will choose to do with the rest of their lives in a “real life setting.” It would be like sending them out to cut down an oak tree with a butter knife. They need their parents’ input, guidance and wisdom.

As a parent you will need to become a bit of a sleuth, observing and listening for clues to what your child is good at and what he enjoys to help him decide on a profession or career that will give him a fulfilling and abundant future. While they are tweens and you still have their attention, here are some tips to help open the lines of communication and keep them open through the teen years.

• Be a great listener. Listen carefully when your child talks to you about the things they enjoy, whether it’s one of their classes or an outside activity. The things they enjoy are usually the things they excel in or have a passion for. These are clues that you can store away to help your child direct his choice of professions or careers. If your child loves to be outside and that passion persists through the years, it would be a mistake to allow him to choose a profession that requires him to be inside, working at a desk all day. If your child makes a remark about being interested in a course of study or an extracurricular club or activity, encourage him to sample it for himself. Sometimes the interest will wane and sometimes it will blossom. He owes it to himself to explore all of his interests. His genius just may lie in an area you never expected.

• Ask great questions. When your child expresses an interest in something, ask him questions about his interest in that subject. Find out just what he likes about it. He may state that he loves the outdoors, when really he enjoys spending time with the family pet. You may have a future veterinarian on your hands. He may love history and make great grades in that subject but not be interested in being a historian or teacher. What might attract him to history may be the evolution of mankind and he may be suited for archeology or politics.

• Defining themselves and what they believe in is vitally important. Ask your child questions about his favorite colors, what he thinks of a situation on a TV show or what values and ethics he believes in. Ask him if he believes in your family’s spiritual traditions and what they mean to him. Engage in a conversation about right and wrong and feel him out as to his morals. His answers might surprise you. It will also serve as a gauge as to what is going on in your child’s life at the moment. Most of the great guidance moments will happen during this type of discussion. You can gently guide or reframe your child’s perceptions of his foundation principles during this kind of open discussion.

• Don’t be judgmental or easily shocked. You can’t imagine the amount of misinformation that is exchanged between your child and his friends. If he comes to you with a question or a subject comes up during a conversation and he has bad information or a limited viewpoint, be calm. Gently tell him the truth or help him see the issues from another perspective. Getting upset will only cause your child to clam up about the information you need to know as a parent. If you get angry or shocked easily, your child will simply stop coming to you with questions or refuse to discuss delicate topics with you. Without your input, your child will be at the mercy of the knowledge of his peers and that is a recipe for disaster.

• Encourage and support your child. Remember to tell your child how special he is or that he is smart and has good judgment. Praise him for the things he does well and remind him that he is talented. No matter what age he is, he will still seek your approval and wish to please you whether you know it or not. At the end of the day, you as a parent have all the power to guide your child in the right direction. Help him sample his interests through volunteerism, summer jobs or the Internet. See that he gets all the information he needs to discern whether or not a future career is truly right for him.

Tweens or teens don’t have a lot of life experience; they need the benefit of your wisdom and experiences to help them decide their futures. Leaving it up to your child can produce disastrous results. Everyone has a gift or a genius and it’s up to you, the parent, to bring your child’s gift to the surface. It’s never too soon to give your child the gift of direction and clarity about himself and his life.

Jeanne Webster is a certified life coach, speaker, columnist and author of the award-winning book If You Could Be Anything, What Would You Be? (Dupuis North Publishing). For more information about Jeanne, visit her Web site at www.youcouldbeanyting.com.