Caught In The
Middle
Easing your child’s transition from elementary to middle
school
by Shannon M. Dean
PARENTGUIDE News October 2005
In many ways, the new fleet of middle schoolers have being
a student down to a fine art. They’ve had plenty of
time to master homework, make friends and meet academic benchmarks.
Yet, just as they reach this level of mastery, they embark
on a very turbulent three years marked by lightening-fast
physical, emotional, social and intellectual growth—
middle school.
Although most middle schoolers don’t always show it
with their words or actions, they need their parents’
love, involvement and support every bit as much as they did
in elementary school. Susan Panzarine, Ph.D., author of A
Parents Guide To The Teen Years: Raising Your 11- to 14-Year-Old
in the Age of Chat Rooms and Navel Rings (Checkmark Books),
says “Many parents make the mistake of adopting a hands-off
policy and watching from the sidelines” during the middle
school years. But in actuality, she says “it is a time
when parents need to stay involved in all aspects of their
children’s lives.”
Most new, specific worries for beginning middle schoolers
stem from either the need to fit in or the fear of looking
out of place; they worry about navigating a larger facility,
having a locker, rushing to make it to their next class and
handling many different teachers. Laura Sessions Stepp, author
of Our Last Best Shot: Guiding Our Children Through Early
Adolescence (Riverhead Books), says all preteens really just
yearn to belong: “The questions they carry with them
into their teens— ‘Am I loved and loving?; Am
I normal?; Am I competent?’— do not vary.”
Add in adolescents’ changing hormones, their tendency
to view everything as a crises and the beginnings of peer
pressure and the result can be an enormous amount of uncertainty
and anxiety.
You can help ease these fears by visiting the school prior
to the first day and making sure your child has walked his
daily schedule several times. Tape the child’s schedule
and locker combination inside of a folder, just in case. And
remember that “pre-teens’ self-esteem is directly
affected by the degree to which they feel accepted by the
peer group,” says Dr. Panzarine. That means they may
want the clothes, hairstyles and hobbies embraced by their
friends, even though this can sometimes be a bitter pill for
parents. Family counselor Bonnie Harris, MSEd., author of
When Your Kids Push Your Buttons: And What You Can Do About
It (Warner Books), says parents should try to let their children
choose their own appropriate clothing and hairstyles: “You
have a right to say ‘I’m not comfortable,’
and explain why. But if you start out with, ‘You can’t
go out looking like that,’ you won’t win.”
A typical middle school student may get four assignments per
day, 20 a week— or a whopping 150 to 180 per marking
period. Because keeping track of assignments and deadlines
is such a challenge, Michele A. Hernández, academic
dean and author of The Middle School Years: Achieving the
Best Education for Your Child, Grades 5-8 (Warner Books),
says it is absolutely critical that kids have a separate,
designated homework folder in which to write homework or assignments,
and the books needed each night. Review the homework folder
daily and help your student decipher what teachers expect
over the short and long term. You may then need to help your
child break down assignments into small parts to avoid being
overwhelmed.
Then, do a little scheduling yourself. “Make sure as
you lay out plans for the family, you’re leaving enough
time for them,” says Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, MS, educator
and author of Kids, Parents and Power Struggles (Perennial
Currents). “What most people don’t realize is
how much support their kids need with homework.” Kurcinka
and other educators say parents should help students designate
a set time and place where they can comfortably complete their
assignments without being disturbed by siblings, video games
or the TV.
Experts say you should deal with peer pressure well before
the first day of school. Psychiatrist Gail Saltz, M.D., author
of Becoming Real: Defeating the Stories We Tell Ourselves
That Hold Us Back (Riverhead Books), says you can help prepare
your child by speaking freely about your values, sharing your
own experiences and helping her find ways to respect your
wishes but still fit in. Give her tools to help her follow
the rules by suggesting acceptable ways out of a situation.
Role play and find face-saving one liners like, “I couldn’t
go to the mall with you Friday— if my Mom caught me
skipping class...” Pick a code word to use if she needs
you to bail her out of a situation, but can’t say so.
For example, calling you “Mother” instead of “Mom”
means she needs your help, but can’t explain in front
of her friends.
Finally, Dr. Saltz cautions parents to pick their battles
carefully. If parents nag about every small issue like clothes
or hairstyles, kids will tune them out for the big issues.
“Kids need to express themselves and rebel,” Saltz
explains, “so if your daughter isn’t doing anything
harmful in the long run, let it go.”
Parents also need to stress self-respect for oneself and others
as well as high standards. “When a person believes in
herself, she is more likely to make the ‘right’
decisions in difficult moments,” says Mike Domitrz,
creator of “Can I Kiss You?,” an interactive program
for schools and campuses. “Students with low self-esteem
are more likely to lower their standards to please others—
a very dangerous and unhealthy behavior.”
Beginning middle school can be a potentially turbulent and
difficult time, but it doesn’t have to be. Try to see
it as an opportunity to reinforce your family’s values
and remain as connected with your child as you’ve always
been. Psychiatrist Edward M. Hallowell, M.D., author of The
Childhood Roots of Adult Happiness (Ballantine Books), tells
parents to “continue doing what you’ve always
done— read, go to the movies, take a walk, hug and kiss
them.” Most of all, remember that parental involvement
is critical to how successfully early middle schoolers navigate
these years, and they want their parents to stay involved—
even if they insist otherwise.
Shannon M. Dean is a wife, the mother of two and a freelance
writer who specializes in issues involving families. She frequently
writes magazine articles for parents, memoirs and life stories
for families, and helps students craft effective and unique
college entrance essays. For more information, visit her Web
site www.shannonmdean.com or e-mail her at Shannon@shannonmdean.com.
