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Overbearing Versus Pushover Parenting
How to set limits and show you care.
by Fretta Reitzes

PARENTGUIDE News February 2006

Like the sound of fingernails on a chalkboard, there’s one expression that parents of tweens and teens wish they never had to hear, though almost all parents do: “But, Mom— everyone else does!” These are the words of a child who’s learning to live within the limits we set as parents. Maybe we’ve vetoed our daughter’s wardrobe as she heads off to school in the morning, or decided not to allow our son to have a television in his bedroom.

However often we may hear our child protest, it takes discipline and courage to stand firm. As parents, our first inclination is to nurture and protect our children, and we are sometimes inclined to put the needs of our children ahead of our own.

Saying “no” to one’s children is not a new challenge. Yet the easy access today to the things that children say they need, such as cell phones, computers and designer clothes, makes it more challenging than ever. The question is, when we hear “everyone else does” and other last-resort expressions from our children, how can we respond in a way that keeps the communication lines open and preserves our authority?

Parenting is a balancing act in many respects, but in no way more so than in setting limits. As tweens naturally begin to separate themselves from their parents, many parents may worry that standing firm only causes children to retreat further into their peer group— that saying “no” may encourage the behavior that’s of concern in the first place. And often the stakes seem to grow higher as a child gets older. Parents of a disrespectful teen may fear that a confrontation might drive their child away.

In fact, whether a child is 9 or 16 years old, whether the conflict revolves around clothes or car keys, the stakes seem high. Though they may not be able to ask for it, tweens and teens are really looking to their parents for guidance, clear expectations and limits. In order to say “no” with resolve, parents need to be proactive about communicating to children what they expect in all aspects of their children’s lives.

As children put up barriers on the road to independence and push the limits as they separate, parents routinely encounter resistance to their attempts to stay connected. As they grow, children become less inclined to volunteer information about their school or social life, making it harder to know about their children’s well-being.

To ensure that “the door is always open” for your son or daughter to begin a conversation with you about school, let your child know that you are interested, without being intrusive and demanding. When the subject comes up, try alternatives to questions like “How was school?” or “Have you done your homework?” For example, follow up an earlier conversation you had with your child or ask about something they expressed concern over, like a challenging math subject. It may not be possible to initiate the conversation on your own timetable. The opportunity to catch up may come along on a routine shopping trip to the supermarket, in the car or on the way home from an after-school activity.

For younger children, spending time together in the same room as your child completes his or her homework can be helpful. By reading the newspaper, a magazine or doing your own work, you set the tone of a quiet work time, and together you are concentrating on something that is important. By acting as a model, you help your child develop a good work ethic. This routine may also help you resist the temptation to become overly involved in your child’s homework. Most important, simply by being present, you convey the importance of school work while respecting and even encouraging your son or daughter’s autonomy. The job of a parent is to give children the tools to navigate the world on their own.

For the parent of a 14 or 15 year old, the options for staying informed are different. Regardless of your open door policy, older teens are likely to be in their bedroom with the door closed when they are at home. You may be better off using more indirect means of staying connected. By participating in parent-teacher conferences or volunteering at school, you can learn about your child’s progress “from the inside” and control the urge to continually question your teenager.

Sometimes there are surprises. What happens when your child’s teacher has disappointing news? Avoid taking the first opportunity to confront your child at home. Your child may be poised for a confrontation and generally defensive. It is best to wait for a time when things are calm and comfortable, a time when you can ask questions rather than make accusations. Feel free to express your disappointment. Your expectations are part of who you are as a parent.

It can seem like our children’s tween and teen years are destined to reverse the bonding that has developed in their younger years. As our sons and daughters establish their own identity and gain independence, we may start to feel as though saying “no” is the only role left to us as parents, and we may try to avoid it for fear of alienating them. By finding ways to communicate outside of the familiar confrontations, we can find strength for ourselves— and for our children— that we didn’t know was there.

Fretta Reitzes is director of the 92nd Street Y Goldman Center for Youth and Family, where children of all ages, their parents and caregivers come to learn and grow. For information about the Y’s parenting classes and workshops, children’s arts and fitness classes, after-school and camp programs, visit www.92Y.org or call (212)415-5500.