Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire
Why your kids may not always tell the truth.
by Peter L. Sheras, Ph.D.
TWEENS & TEENS NEWS June 2006
The act of telling the truth, while often
difficult, is a sign of successful childrearing.
Truthful children are considered ethical young
adults. However, evidence that the truth is
becoming harder and harder to come by is all
around us. Political and corporate scandals,
media programs based on an ability to fool
others and school cheating to get ahead seem
rampant.
Lying is a behavior. As such, lies have motivations,
histories and consequences. Behaviors are
learned from observing others. Whether children
learn to lie may have to do with the combination
of their personalities and their experiences.
And as a learned behavior, lying can be maintained
by circumstances or eliminated by circumstances.
Why a tween or teen might lie.
Inexperienced in managing certain situations,
some tweens and young teens lie to avoid properly
dealing with a situation. They may not even
realize that what they have said is a lie.
They may not understand the difference between
telling a lie, a white lie or a half-truth,
or just embellishing the truth to some extent.
Often they say, “I didn’t know
it was a lie.”
As adolescents reach their early teens, social
pressures become prevalent. The need to be
liked by others and to feel good about themselves
typically causes early teens to lie or to
imitate the behaviors of others who are popular
or cool. Teens often feel it is more important
to fit in than to risk being excluded, teased
or bullied. Being liked makes a person feel
valuable and important, which is necessary
during a time of such developmental confusion.
In this situation teens often say, “Everyone
is doing it, why can’t I?”
Sometimes lies help young people get what
they are afraid they might not otherwise receive.
This may be attention, acknowledgement or
real rewards such as allowance increases and
gifts for academic or athletic performance.
Adolescents who lie to reap rewards may think,
“This is the only way I can get what
I want.”
In a similar manner, lies may be crafted or
employed to avoid punishment for wrongdoings.
Lies to cover up the truth generally become
more widespread as adolescents move through
middle school and reach high school, and believe
that the world is unfair to them. A 9th grader
might say, “I was afraid I would get
in trouble if I told the truth.”
It’s important to realize that some
lies represent an attempt to avoid upsetting
parents. Many kids believe if they tell the
whole truth, their parents will be needlessly
upset or “disappointed.” Rather
than worry Mom and Dad about a bad grade or
a school altercation, many kids choose to
say nothing about a questionable incident—
or they cover it up with a lie. They often
think, “I am doing this to protect my
parents from freaking out.”
Another major reason that teens lie relates
to their increasing feeling that adults are
constantly telling them what to do. Teens
often feel as if they lack power or choice
in their own lives. Changes during puberty,
transitions in school and new friendships
from growing older add to adolescents’
feeling of powerlessness. One day, they experience
an acne breakout; another day, they experience
a breakup with a boyfriend or girlfriend,
or a failing grade. Through it all, there
are a ton of adults telling them what they
must do and how they must behave. But most
tweens no longer feel the need for adult advice.
Lying as a way of fooling or manipulating
adults may allow kids to retain their sense
of control.
Finally, tweens and teens may lie as a function
of their normal development. Adolescents are
trying hard to assert their own identity.
The easiest way to do this is to defy their
parents, their earliest role models. By disobeying
and lying to parents, teens show they are
a force to be reckoned with.
Is lying a bad thing?
Most parents would agree that telling lies
is not a good idea. However, it is important
to realize that lying may demonstrate a variety
of underlying motivations. When lies unfold,
it is an opportunity to understand and teach
rather than just to punish. Tweens and teens
must also learn to understand why they feel
the urge to lie.
Even though some of these lies represent acts
of defiance, they dually communicate that
more parental support is needed. Parents need
to maintain authority, despite whether it
seems their children are not listening. They
are listening, and need continual guidance.
What do kids lie about?
Lies can be about almost anything. Generally
speaking, the bigger the perceived violation
of parental norms, the more likely that lies
will occur. This means lies are often about
drug use, sexual behaviors and with whom the
teen has been hanging out.
It’s difficult for a parent to be a
“lie detector” for a number of
reasons. For one, teens tend to be pretty
good at fooling their parents, and teens get
a lot of coaching in this area from their
peers. Second, most parents don’t want
to believe that their tween or teen is lying.
It reflects poorly on parents if their children
are liars. Sometimes parents avoid questioning
lies for that reason. It is often upsetting
to parents that their children do not regard
lying as a legitimate concern. It is more
upsetting to consider your child a liar.
What to do about lying.
How should parents respond if they discover
a lie? Here are a few general tips:
•Don’t be too moralistic, especially
in the beginning. It might confuse tweens
who do not see a lie as that big or important.
•Parents can share their own dilemmas
about lying, from both adolescence and adulthood.
Let kids know it’s not always easy to
tell the truth, but being truthful is important.
•Don’t over-react or humiliate
kids. Do not confront them in front of others,
especially their friends. Such a confrontation
makes kids feel horrible, and they may feel
the best way to get back at parents is to
lie more often.
•Listen to their point of view. Listen
first and speak second. If parents lecture
or talk too much, children stop listening.
If they know their parents are trying to listen
and understand, they will be more likely to
return the favor.
•Understand the context of the lie—
why it might have felt “necessary”
for the tween or teen at this juncture. Help
tweens and teens figure out how they might
be able to handle similar pressures, should
they arise again, while abstaining from lying.
•Take development into consideration.
Your child is not yet an adult and may need
to feel unique or different. Let your child
be unique, and support him or her by teaching,
not punishing.
Parenting is not an easy job. If an adolescent
lies, it’s not the end of the world.
It’s often an opportunity to enhance
the parent-child bond with compassion and
information.
Peter L. Sheras, Ph.D. is a clinical
psychologist and professor in the Curry Programs
in Clinical and School Psychology at the University
of Virginia. He has treated adolescents and
their families in practice for nearly 30 years.
He is author of I Can’t Believe You
Went Through My Stuff: How to Give Your Teens
the Privacy They Crave and the Guidance They
Need and Your Child: Bully or Victim, Understanding
and Ending School Yard Tyranny, both published
by Fireside. Access more information about
parenting and his work with couples at www.parentingpossibiities.com
and www.couplepower.com.
