Sex Is Not a Four-letter Word
Your child will learn about sex from someone— will it be from you?
by Melissa Cox

TWEENS & TEENS NEWS June 2006

Do you realize that you are the most influential person in your child’s life when it comes to sexual issues? Your attitudes and behaviors about sex forever influence your child’s life.

As you most likely don’t hold a degree in anatomy or physiology, take heart. You’re not alone. One of the benefits of being a parent today is that there are plenty of resources and places to go for advice on discussing sex with your kids. But, make sure the advice you seek supports your world view.

Perhaps embarrassment is preventing you from delving into sexual issues with your tween or teen. Consider this: MTV is not embarrassed to talk with your son candidly about sex. Why should you be? If fear is holding you back, try examining the root of such fear. Are you ashamed to talk with your kids because you had many partners early on and feel embarrassed about the mistakes you’ve made? Maybe you’ve never experienced sex in the context of a healthy (emotionally, physically and spiritually), committed relationship, or perhaps you were abused as a child. Or, maybe your parents made you feel awkward about sex, making you uncertain how to treat the subject with your kids.

It’s important to remember, your life experiences can either be used as building blocks or stumbling blocks in your child’s development. Why not use your experiences from the past as tools to help you— and your children— grow.

It’s Never Too Late to Start
Embracing a healthy outlook about sex and sexuality will help you more effectively discuss this vast subject. There has never been a more exciting time to be able to give your child the gift of a positive, strong message concerning their budding sexuality. Remember, your children will learn about sex from someone. The question remains— will it be from you?

Before you dive into the discussion, keep in mind that sex is a deeply personal topic, and the discussion can’t be a one-time event. Let your child know that you want to be his guide on this significant journey as he learns about his sexuality. It may take your child some time to warm up to the idea, especially if he is a teenager. However, before you’re offended by your child’s lack of response to your efforts, consider that your relationship with your child determines how much he’ll want to learn about sex from you.

The art of talking about sexuality evolves as your child grows. Initially, the answers you provide your child may be very matter-of-fact. As he matures, explain your answers in the context of relationships and character traits you’re trying to teach.

Relationships Matter
The best way to embark on this journey with your child is to enter his world. This means identifying with your child’s current needs, interests and passions. Understand your child by spending time with him, and try to listen and understand to what he thinks, feels and enjoys.

As your child matures, there will undoubtedly be more questions about sex and sexuality. In fact, your child will have more questions— as well as more experiences. These questions might arise from movie scenes, exposure to pornography, health class or hearing about sexual abuse. By answering questions unabashedly, you can affirm your child’s thoughts, ideas and growing identity.

Tips for Success
Many parents wonder how they can become most effective at influencing their child’s thoughts on sexuality. Here are a few tips:
•Start early. Work your way up to talking about sex. Enhance your one-on-one communication skills with your child by discussing appropriate personal health and safety issues as he grows.
•Believe in your child and build his confidence (and self-control). Both children and adults tend to overestimate the number of teens who are sexually active. Never assume your child is incapable of resisting temptation. Instead, equip him with knowledge, confidence and unconditional love and support.
•Look for teaching opportunities and use them. Many parents admit they have a hard time finding a good starting place for a discussion about sex. But, if you’re observant, you’ll find natural ice breakers for discussion all around, such as billboards, magazines, TV shows, commercials and movies.
•Give accurate, age appropriate information. Listen closely to the questions you’re being asked. Don’t get lost in details if your son asks a very general question. Consider his age and what’s appropriate for him to know; however, also consider that kids today experience puberty earlier than ever. Kids are also exposed to sexual imagery and vocabulary more freely, and at a much younger age.
•Don’t be afraid to say, “I don’t know.” Admitting to your child that you don’t know the answer to his question could be the one thing that helps him identify with you, and helps your relationship to thrive.
•Teach your children how to develop healthy relationships. As you talk to your child about the importance of saving sex for marriage, provide him with alternatives on what to do with his emotions and physical desires. Learning how to develop strong friendships is a skill every child needs.
•Integrate your family’s faith and values into the discussion. Never underestimate the power of faith when it comes to your child deciding whether or not to become sexually active.

The 411 on Teens, Sex and STDs
Still not convinced that a discussion about sexuality with your children is essential? Not only is knowledge passed down from parents crucial, it also is a means to help protect your child from sexually transmitted diseases and a host of other problems. Consider the following statistics taken from recent published studies and books.
•Nineteen million sexually transmitted disease infections occur annually, and almost half of them are among young adults ages 15-24.
•Having an STD increases the risk of acquiring HIV.
•Most sexually active teens wish they had waited longer to have sex.
•Nearly a million teen girls in the United States become pregnant every year, the highest of all industrialized countries.
•Nearly three out of four teen mothers drop out of high school.
•Teens who have been raised by both parents (biological or adoptive) from birth, have lower probabilities of having sex than teens who grew up in any other family situation.
•Teenagers who have strong emotional attachments to their parents are much less likely to become sexually active at an early age.
•Your teens want to hear from you. Seven of ten teens interviewed said they were ready to listen to things that their parents thought they were not ready to hear.

Not talking with your child about sex could be one of the most costly decisions you’ll ever make. Take a dive, and explore the waters. On your journey, you might just discover the makings of a more dynamic relationship with your growing child.

Melissa Cox has spent the last 15 years specializing in social marketing and public relations. She specializes in issues surrounding adolescent health and parent connectedness. Her most recent accomplishment was the completion of Questions Kids Ask About Sex (Revell), a book featured in USA Today and NBC’s The Today Show. Cox resides in Denver with her husband and two children, Logan and Keegan.