Life Support
Five tips to help kids deal with a parent’s
illness.
by Craig H. Collison, M.D.
PARENTGUIDE
News May 2006
Illness can strike in a heartbeat. We’ve
all seen it happen. A car accident, a heart
attack or even an infection can quickly reduce
a healthy person to a hospitalized patient,
dependent on physicians, nurses and technology
to stay alive. When a sudden illness or crisis
occurs, there are many victims besides the
patient, including spouses and especially
children. In the midst of these challenging
times, the patient’s kids must not be
forgotten.
My family found itself in a health crisis
while I was finishing my residency training
in pediatrics. A minor surgical procedure
suddenly deteriorated into a life-threatening
infection with “flesh-eating”
bacteria. I went from being a young, healthy
doctor to an ICU patient, on a ventilator,
with massive wounds and countless tubes and
wires attached to my disfigured body. There
was no time for preparation. The bacteria
attacked, and I was rushed to the operating
room as my only hope for survival. I had two
children at the time, Taylor and Chase. Their
care and emotional state during this difficult
time was a big priority for my wife, Michelle,
and all our friends and family who had gathered
to help.
Below are some techniques that our support
group of family and friends employed during
my illness to help Taylor and Chase cope with
the terrifying situation. These tips are suggestions
for any adults who know children experiencing
a parent or grandparent’s illness.
More than anything, give kids love, hugs,
comfort and a shoulder to lean on as they
think about a suffering relative. This comfort
is a good outlet for the adult friends and
relatives, and other parent, enduring personal
stresses. Also, it helps pull the family closer,
physically and emotionally. In our case, Taylor
and Chase were cared for by their grandparents
and our close friends, as Michelle spent days
at the hospital during my life-and-death struggle.
While this change in routine was tough on
them, the unconditional love they felt at
home was crucial to keep them going without
Dad and Mom around.
Show your kids that it is healthy to get your
feelings out instead of bottling them up inside.
Needing support is not just “baby stuff.”
When parents share their feelings, tweens
and teens see that it is okay for them to
be upset, ask questions and look to others
for support.
It is imperative that family members make
time to spend with the kids of a sick parent,
ideally doing something the kids like to do.
Gifts and spoiling in this scenario are certainly
appropriate. While only temporary, distraction
in any form is a wonderful tool to give everyone
a break from the sad feelings involving their
loved one’s illness. If the children
aren’t getting positive attention, they
will be more likely to act out, invoking negative
attention.
With all the stress associated with an illness,
it should be expected for the kids to have
grumpy moments and test the limits. While
this should be expected, a difficult situation
should not mean that the rules go out the
window. Hard as it is, discipline and family
rules must still apply and should be enforced
to prevent further escalation of bad behavior.
Taylor and Chase pushed the limits with their
caregivers continually. But Michelle advised
all the people helping with them that our
rules had not changed— and neither had
the consequences.
No matter what a person’s age is, lying
about a difficult situation is never a good
idea. Try to keep things simple and talk in
terms that your children can understand. In
my family’s situation, the child-life
specialist at our hospital worked several
times with Taylor and Chase, trying to prepare
them for what I was going to look like because
of the infection. They even constructed a
doll with the tubes and bandages to give them
a mental picture before they were brought
in to see me at the hospital. Even with all
the preparation by the child-life specialist
and other family members, the first time they
saw me in my deteriorated state was difficult
for them, and all of us.
Over time, as they visited me more frequently,
things got easier. As I recovered and was
able to return home, Taylor and Chase became
more comfortable with me and my scars. Still,
Michelle and I think it was at least a year
before the effects of such a stressful time
were totally gone. The boys definitely showed
more separation anxiety and didn’t like
to be away from us.
Other changes that occurred during that next
year were also tougher on them than it might
have been otherwise. Moving and having another
baby altered their comfort zone, however,
kids are resilient. They now show no lasting
effects from my illness.
As long as the kids remain, and feel like,
a priority, they will have their best chance
to endure any difficult time in the family.
Craig H. Collison, M.D., is a pediatrician
and author of Tattered Flesh, Resilient Spirit
(Llumina Press), which shares the story of
his battle with flesh-eating bacteria and
its effects on his family and their faith.
He lives with his wife and now four children
in Madisonburg, PA. Tattered Flesh, Resilient
Spirit is available in many bookstores, all
major on-line outlets, and through www.stonehousepress.net.
