Just Trust Me
Creating and maintaining a trustworthy relationship
with your parents.
by Jourdan Crouch
TWEENS
& NEWS October 2006
Jake, the senior star basketball player at
your school, is throwing what could be the
biggest bash of the year— maybe even
the decade— this Friday night. Not only
would it be a sin to miss the party, but you
found out through the grapevine that your
crush has made definite plans to attend.
There is only one hitch to your perfect plan—
two people who rule the roost, aka your parents,
are not really down with the whole high school
party scene. But missing this soiree would
be social suicide for you! Do you come up
with the perfect little white lie to cover
up your actual plans? Or, do you come clean
and cross your fingers that by some holy intervention
you’ll be allowed to go?
If you decide to lie, and the party gets busted
or word gets back to your parents that you
were there, your punishment will likely be
the harshest punishment that you have suffered
all semester. You may even be banned from
all future parties this year! What if you
come clean about the party, promise to call
once you get there and come home by curfew?
Will your parents trust you enough to follow
through with your promises?
Chances are, you’re familiar with this
scenario— either you’ve considered
the temptation to lie, you know someone who
has or you know a repeat offender. No one
said that being a teenager is easy, and dealing
with parents’ expectations can cause
excess distress in your already complicated
life.
You feel as if your parents could never understand
what you’re going through. You just
wish they could be cool parents. But they
were once teenagers too. They probably understand
more than you think they do. With a little
communication, understanding and honesty,
you might be surprised at what you can teach
them— and what they can teach you—
about a little thing called trust.
As people, we need and depend on trust in
order to survive. “Trust can be traced
back to our days as infants,” says Dr.
Sherry Browne, a clinical psychologist from
Alexandria, Va. “The infant is totally
dependent on the parent for survival. If this
doesn’t happen, then the infant will
either die or fail to develop as a normal
human being.” Early in our lives, we
trust freely until we are wounded. Once wounded,
we are much more apprehensive to trust again.
This defense mechanism stays with us throughout
our lives, as children, teenagers and adults,
in every relationship that we develop.
Just as infants trust their caregivers, parents
innately trust their children until that trust
is broken. Although it may be hard to think
of your parents as vulnerable people, they
are hurt when you lie or are sneaky and do
things behind their backs. So, in order to
create an amicable environment in which both
you and your parents are happy and comfortable,
you need to keep TRUST in mind.
•Talk to each other. Communication is
a core element in every healthy relationship,
and your parents will be more than thrilled
to talk if you start the conversation. Think
about how much you and your friends talk.
Treat your parents as you treat your friends.
This doesn’t mean that you have to tell
them everything. Simply ask them how their
day was, just like they ask you every day,
and it will show that you actually care about
people besides yourself. Initiating friendly
conversations also shows your parents that
you are mature and respectful, which makes
them more willing to trust you. The more information
you provide, the less they will have to ask.
If you have broken your parents’ trust
in the past, ask them to sit down and talk
when it’s a convenient time for them.
Remember, you screwed up, so you must be willing
to resolve the issue on their time.
•Respect each other’s opinions.
Remind your parents that you come from different
generations with many opposing beliefs. If
you are arguing over fundamental issues, such
as the right to have sex or privacy, then
you both need to express how you feel and
attempt to reach a compromise. Similarly,
if your parents don’t like your friends,
let them express their reasons why. Then explain
exactly why you like your friends. Always
be honest and respectful while resolving conflicts.
Realize that you are angry at their beliefs,
and not at them as individuals. Avoid putting
down their ideas and say, “I don’t
agree and here’s why...” instead
of “That’s a stupid idea.”
Continue to use “I” statements.
Instead of pinpointing how “you never
let me go out,” try, “I would
really appreciate it if I could...”
Finally, listen to your parents’ points
of view and they’ll be more inclined
to listen to you.
•Understand that if you screw up, you
have to earn back your parents’ trust.
Unfortunately, you do live in their home and
therefore owe it to them to follow their rules.
If you broke these rules, lied, cheated, stole,
committed a crime or hurt someone else, be
prepared to pay the consequences. The ball
is out of your court.
Try to put yourself in your parents’
shoes. Would you easily forgive yourself?
Ask them what they need from you, in order
for you to regain their trust. Don’t
get defensive and don’t talk about how
unfair and unreasonable they are being—
it will only make matters worse. Grin and
bear it and you will eventually be rewarded.
•Start small. You must prove to your
parents that you are capable and deserving
of their trust. Each day, do little things
to show that you are responsible. Finishing
your homework each night is a wonderful way
to show that you are committed to your schoolwork
and are responsible. If your parents remain
weary of trusting you, they can check up on
your efforts by contacting your teachers for
verification.
Still confused about how to deal with your
burning desire to attend Jake’s big
bash?
•Think before you act. Is what you’re
about to do really worth the consequences?
Is there a way to be open with your parents
and still have fun? It may take a while for
your parents to accept that you’ve become
an independently thinking person and are no
longer their baby. But with time and trust,
you can prove that you are truly ready to
be treated like a responsible, trustworthy
adult.
Why do you think teens lie?
•“I think that the main reason
that teens lie is ironically because they
feel that their parents won’t trust
them or deem them responsible.”
—Brittany, age 17, Queens
•“Teens lie because they think
they can get away with more. Sometimes it’s
not worth it because parents are smart and
can figure out if you’ve been doing
bad things. It would be so much easier if
my parents could just trust what I tell them.
Because I’m at this age, my Mom probably
thinks that she has to believe that I may
be doing the bad things that others are doing.”
—Caroline, age 14, New Jersey
What’s the best way for teens
to build trust with parents?
•“Never lie to your parents. Be
honest and always know that you can talk to
them, no matter what their reaction is.”
—Allison, age 15, Long Island
•“Just come out and tell the truth.
If you did something bad or stupid, even though
it may seem like the hardest or worst thing
to do, it will make you look more responsible
if you admit that you did it.” —Caroline,
age 14, New Jersey
What will you do differently, when you have
kids?
•“I want them to tell me the truth,
but I don’t want them to stop doing
what they want or from having fun if they
aren’t doing anything wrong. I want
to be able to trust them, but at the same
time make sure they don’t hate me for
having to be a parent.”
—Caroline, age 14, New Jersey
•“I would be less protective.
There’s only so much a parent can do!
Haven’t they heard of high school? They
did indeed endure it at one point and should
recognize the societal and peer pressures
surrounding teens in this day and age.”
—Brittany, age 17, Queens
Jourdan Crouch is an assistant editor.
