Parenting with
Paper and Pencils
Reinforcing family values and communication
with writing exercises.
by Joel Epstein, Ph.D., and Peggy Epstein
PARENTGUIDE
News September 2006
“You are not wearing that to school!”
“You don’t care that I’m
having trouble with algebra.”
“You need to take responsibility for
getting up earlier.”
“You don’t believe me when I say
I don’t have any homework.”
Welcome to a new school year, when bickering
can easily escalate into full-blown arguments,
compromising can seem impossible, having perspective
can be hard to come by and sharing thoughts
can become a rare occurrence— and brutal.
Looking for a new approach? Consider writing
together.
In the face of all this heightened stress,
it might seem odd to ask your kids to do something
that sounds like schoolwork. But once you
get started, writing together can become as
much a part of your family life as having
dinner table discussions or playing board
games— with the bonus of boosting your
family’s communication skills.
On an informal level, sharing ideas through
writing helps your family gain a better understanding
of each other and helps during communication
breakdowns. For example, when family members
must make tough decisions, charting out the
positives and negatives on paper can help
clarify options. You might want to encourage
leaving short notes for one another. Or perhaps
your family would enjoy participating in a
game of communication tag. To play, pass around
a journal over a period of several months
and let family members share ideas freely
in writing (or create a special file for the
journal on the computer).
A good way to start writing together is by
presenting a few structured activities. The
Letter to Yourself activity is entertaining
and nonthreatening— an ideal way to
introduce the idea of family writing.
Before you take advantage of the following
exercises, remember: Many tweens and teens,
as well as parents, lack confidence in their
writing skills. When freed from the anxiety
of having to spell and punctuate perfectly,
writers of any age are better able to concentrate
on communicating thoughts and ideas. So when
you’re writing together as a family,
pay more attention to the ideas than on the
rules of writing and grammar. And keep in
mind, increased practice improves performance—
whether it be writing or communicating.
Activity 1: Letter to Yourself
A couple of nights before the school year
starts, invite your family to a letter-writing
party. Set out some special snacks and start
up a conversation about what’s ahead.
Here are some sample questions for parents
to spark the discussion and keep it flowing:
•What classes do you think will be the
hardest? The easiest?
•What will be your biggest social challenges?
•Who else will play a prominent role
in your school life?
•What activities are you most looking
forward to?
After discussing what the family anticipates
for this school year, parents can pass out
new pens and eye-catching sheets of writing
paper. Ask everyone to write a personal letter
to themselves about their goals and predictions
for the coming school year. Parents can participate
by writing about their work goals and predications
for the next nine months. Some family members
may prefer to type their letters on the computer.
Explain that the letters are totally private.
Seal them with tape or more dramatically with
sealing wax, and keep them out of sight until
the end of the school year. Celebrate the
last day of school by opening the letters.
Respect decisions about sharing. Some family
members may be eager to read aloud and discuss
their entire letters, others may not.
With the idea of family writing established
in the Letter to Yourself activity, families
can easily transition to employing writing
as a method of open communication. One of
the most important skills in learning to effectively
communicate is the art of seeing things from
another person’s perspective. Learning
how and why others feel the ways they do can
aid in identifying sources of misunderstandings.
Similarly, the Multi-Caption Photo Adventure
is a great rainy day activity that helps family
members appreciate that they see things in
totally different ways.
Activity 2: Caption Photo Adventure
Start by finding a fairly recent snapshot
taken at a family event. Let’s say you
use a photo taken at a neighborhood barbecue
with all family members seated at a picnic
table. Show the picture to everyone and ask
each family member to privately write a short
sentence or two about their memory of that
moment. Here’s a structure you might
use:
I was ________; I thought __________.
Not only is it fun to revive memories together,
this activity teaches family members to appreciate
that although they all may participate in
the same event, they each likely have very
different perceptions of the event. Your caption
might read, “I was cheerful; I thought
it was wonderful that we were still friends
with the Wilson family after all these years.”
Whereas your daughter’s caption might
state, “I was furious; I thought Sara
was my friend, but she spent the whole time
talking with Billy.”
It can be surprising how differently family
members view the same event. Another way to
convey this point is to ask everyone to quickly
jot down their impressions of a movie you’ve
all just watched— different perceptions
instantly become obvious. Learning to understand
how others think and feel also aids in another
vital family skill: the art of compromise.
Activity 3: Food Fight
Ask everyone to pretend that only eight items
from the grocery store will be found in the
kitchen cabinet and refrigerator for the following
two weeks. No eating out at restaurants is
allowed; no meals at Grandma’s. For
two weeks everyone must eat only those eight
particular items.
Next, give all family members a sheet of paper
and ask them to privately prepare a list of
what they think those eight items should be.
At the signal, everyone shows their lists.
Write items everyone has in common on a master
list.
The food fight begins. Discussion starts as
everyone defends items on their lists. To
begin, someone might ask everyone to cross
out their least desirable item. Disagreement
may ensue as discussions tackle issues of
health, taste and boredom. When an active
discussion dwindles, explain the one remaining
rule: Only foods agreed on by all participants
will be “consumed,” if the game
were real. In other words, if only cheese
and fig cookies are endorsed by everyone,
that’s exactly what would be eaten for
week.
Other topics for this same activity might
include: “What five places would we
visit on a free family vacation?” or
“What CDs would we keep if we could
only keep five?”
Practicing the art of compromise should help
your family more effectively reach agreements
in real-life situations.
So when you pick up those school supplies
this fall, you might think about tossing some
paper and pencils in the cart for family writing.
It may not be intuitive, and may be met with
resistance at first, but with practice, “Let’s
write about this” could become a household
phrase.
Clinical psychologist Joel Epstein, Ph.D.,
and Peggy Epstein, an English teacher, are
authors of Family Writes, Parenting with Pens,
Pencils, and PCs (Capital Books).
