Navigating the
waters of adolescence without getting dunked
How parents can cope with kids’ five
not-so-fabulous personas.
by Beth Rogers-Doll, PhD
PARENTGUIDE News April 2006
Adolescents need to develop emotional independence
before they can practice financial independence;
so like younger children, adolescents practice
separating from parents in different and sometimes
irritating ways. Tweens and teens may especially
seem like emotional “basket cases”
when they go from elation to devastation.
See if you recognize any of these personality
patterns in your children. Read on for appropriate
responses to deal with kids’ not-so-sweet
emotions.
Your sixth grade son actually seems to be
trying to slip out of his skin whenever you
touch him in public. He does a funny shoulder
roll when your hand rests there, trying desperately
to remove your hand without using his own
hands. He looks at you with disgust when you
look at him with love in front of his friends.
He tells you that he does not need your advice,
to hear about your taste in clothes or food,
or even to share the air you breathe. Also,
he behaves with contempt toward siblings.
•Work out a deal with your son when
you are both in a good mood. Agree not to
touch him in public if he will not glare at
you with contempt while in public.
•Ask your tween or teen for the best
examples of your embarrassing behavior and
when they usually occur. Then give examples
of behavior that embarrasses you. This is
a fair exchange, and will allow you to establish
boundaries for each other.
•Include respect for siblings in the
discussion. If you have required your children
to respect each other since they were little,
your adolescent needs reminding that the rules
still apply.
•Let your adolescent know when the eye
rolling and contemptuous looks have crept
back into his style.
•Tune in to moments when your teen actually
needs your affection.
Your daughter hates everything you bring home
for her. You hate everything your daughter
brings home for herself! Your daughter seems
to define herself by how well she dresses.
You argue over how revealing her shirts are,
especially tube tops in the winter. You also
may argue over body piercing and tattoos.
•Never buy unapproved clothing for your
teens, and possibly your preteens. If you
bring it home, they will hate it.
•Pledge only to shop with your teen
in emergencies.
•Accept that you are on different fashion
planets for now. Set boundaries for clothing
that is inappropriate: jeans that are torn
in the crotch are not okay, but jeans torn
in the legs are okay; shirts that expose belly
buttons or have spaghetti straps are okay
for after school, but not in school.
“Accidentally” give the worst
clothing away to Goodwill or offer to replace
it with new, appropriate clothing.
•Do not make insulting or ridiculing
remarks about your adolescent’s fashion
sense. This puts more miles in between you
than there are already.
Your usually talkative seventh grader is now
quiet and reserved around you, and sillier
than a third grader around his/her friends.
You can sense when your adolescent needs you,
but cannot get him/her to admit it. You find
out about things in your adolescent’s
life after they have become a certifiable
crisis. You yearn to search their bedroom,
because you don’t think you know what
is happening anymore. Each time your adolescent
has a safe discussion with you about something
tough, it is a major victory for your relationship!
•First stop to think what keeps you
from being open with others. If you anticipate
others’ disapproval of your feelings
or choices, you probably keep silent. If you
expect to feel ashamed or embarrassed in telling
secrets to someone close, you may well put
it off. Next take an unflinching look at the
things you do that shut down communication
with your tween or teen. What does your child
tell you about your listening skills?
•Don’t minimize your child’s
problems by saying things like, “You’re
making a big deal out of nothing.”
•Avoid lecturing when tweens and teens
tell you stories. Avoid criticizing how they
tell stories.
•Rather than poke fun at your child’s
logic or behavior in situations, just listen.
•Ask, don’t demand, that your
tween or teen talk to you.
•Avoid yelling when you are worried
about them.
Your adolescent may take on multiple and changing
personas. Chances are your least favorite
is the moody one. That is because no matter
how much fun the family is having, the moody
one stays moody, infecting good times with
uneasiness. Everyone is entitled to a bad
mood, but people who are simply down will
usually isolate themselves until they perk
up. If your budding adult actually seems to
suck joy from the room, this may be an unconscious
attempt to control the mood of the family—
it is an indirect way of expressing resentment,
especially if your attempts to discuss the
situation or help are refused. This is most
likely to happen when your teen feels powerless
about something in his/her life.
•Discuss as a family, when all are in
good spirits, what should be done when a family
member is feeling down versus being a grump.
Heed your adolescent’s input. What can
be said to help the family member? When should
the family let the “moody one”
be alone? Setting ground rules as a family
better insures that your tween or teen will
not feel singled out.
•The strategy for coping with moodiness
should usually include acceptance and ignoring.
•Tell your child what you see when he/she
is moody: “You don’t seem like
yourself.”
•Offer your availability to talk, but
be prepared to be turned down. Disclose how
long you will continue to be available if
he/she needs to talk. Do something nearby
that you can drop if your teen begins to circle.
It can be hard for a teen to ask for a listening
ear. Make it as easy as possible.
•Set limits with a teen who is angry
and bitter, and unwilling to talk rationally
about it.
•It is okay to ask your teen to remove
himself/herself from the room in order to
work out a bad mood. Some parents leave the
house or go into the yard for awhile. It is
like giving a teen a time-out, by removing
attention for inappropriate moodiness.
You wonder where you went wrong as you read
the latest report card of your former honor
roll student. Whether your teen was a great
student in the past or has never seemed to
get very good grades, it can be frightening
to see your child get F’s. It can feel
like such a strong violation of your family’s
values to see your teen veering off course.
•Keep in mind that 95 percent of teens
do not like F’s anymore than you do.
•Avoid rhetorical questions like, “Don’t
you care about your future?” Instead,
brainstorm practical solutions. Ask your tween
or teen what ideas he/she has for bringing
up grades. Try your child’s ideas first.
•Do not make conflicts about grades
the main issue in your relationship. If your
adolescent simply does not care about grades,
your continued harping on that matter will
turn your relationship sour. Convey that you
love him/her too much to focus only on grades.
Then focus on other qualities that please
you.
•Going to school is your child’s
job until age 18. You can withdraw privileges
while waiting for your adolescent to get a
better job review from his/her teacher.
•A teen who is expelled for bad behavior
may not want to earn an equivalency diploma.
Set a timeline for your teen to either complete
the diploma and get a job or move out.
•Seek out a mental health professional
to evaluate whether or not emotional problems
are getting in the way of your child’s
school performance. Depression is often a
culprit in dropping grades and self-esteem.
Moodiness, loss of faith in self and general
frustration with the world are a part of the
tween and teen years. As your child learns
to regulate his/her emotions and behavior
without your help, try to adopt approaches
that seem to encourage self-sufficiency in
your adolescent. Setting limits and providing
discipline are important ways to show your
adolescent that you think highly of what he/she
is capable of.
Beth Rogers-Doll is a clinical psychologist
in Fond du Lac, WI. She and her husband have
a clinic that specializes in children and
teens. Beth and her husband have three children
of their own. You can access great ideas for
life’s troubles on their Web site at
www.dollandasssociates.com. Sign up to receive
their monthly newsletter containing articles
on timely subjects that matter.
