Don’t Worry
Be Happy
Five steps to teenage optimism.
by Bob Murray, Ph.D.
TWEENS & TEENS News April
2007
All children are born optimistic, but
studies show that we’re an increasingly
pessimistic society. These same studies show
that teenagers are almost twice as pessimistic
and depressed as their parents. This pessimism
can be the result of setbacks at school, in
relationships or in other areas of life. More
often, however, pessimism has deep roots,
taking shape early in childhood.
Fortunately, we understand the roots of this
pessimism much better than we did even a few
years ago. And, we now know how to turn a
gloomy and defeatist teen or tween into an
enthusiastic and confident one.
Unfortunately, much of this research hasn’t
filtered down to parents, who often lack the
tools to help their troubled and pessimistic
kids. Yet, studies show that there are five
steps that a parent, teacher or friend can
take to help a teen have a more upbeat view
of life.
1. Teach Optimism
A big idea that has emerged recently is that
optimism, like pessimism, is learned. Pessimism
results from a series of setbacks that “teach”
an individual that the world is a dismal place.
After continually experiencing setbacks, teens
can begin feeling that trying is not worthwhile
and they will never succeed. There’s
no point in studying, pessimistic teens believe,
because they’ll fail the exam even if
they do. Or if they get constant criticism
rather than praise their belief might be:
“No matter what I do, I won’t
be able to please anybody, so why bother?!”
But it’s not just personal setbacks
that teach pessimism. Having pessimistic friends
or parents is a great tutor.
Of course the reverse is also true: A child
who grows up in optimistic surroundings is
bound to learn optimism and will probably
retain that outlook despite even major setbacks.
Resilience is just as easy to teach as defeatism.
The good news is that optimism can be re-embraced
at any stage of life. Even someone with a
deeply ingrained sense of pessimism can learn
optimism by being surrounded by people who
don’t share his or her gloomy outlook
on life.
Parenting tip for teaching optimism: When
your teen experiences a setback, encourage
him or her to talk about it and show your
love and support whatever the problem. Avoid
blame and un-requested advice.
2. Model Good Relationships
Humans, including teens, are relationship-forming
creatures. We thrive when our relationships
are good, and we tend to experience pessimism
and depression (and even physical illness)
when our relationships turn sour.
Personal relationships aren’t the only
things that matter. As young kids, we gain
an optimistic attitude when the relationships
between our parents or caregivers are loving
and supportive. Similarly, we learn and develop
optimism or pessimism largely by the way those
adults around us relate to each other and
to us.
Pessimism often originates from a parent or
caregiver who doesn’t demonstrate love,
or who doesn’t support kids or other
adults. This pessimism is then reinforced
when teens of pessimistic parents go out and
form relationships of their own that are less
than ideal— with critical friends or
dating partners. Each time the dysfunctional
relationship pattern occurs, pessimism strengthens.
But, again, recent research has shown the
potential good news. If parents improve their
relationship with one another, then the kids
(no matter what age) also experience improved
relationships and become more optimistic.
Parenting tip: Examine the state of your personal
relationships. How can they be improved?
3. Take Charge of the Media
Heads of marketing departments in major corporations
and creators of their advertisements have
told me many times that nothing sells like
pessimism. Their object is to make a youngster
feel bad or inadequate in some area, and then
convince the youngster that only their product
can solve the situation. For example: A teen
boy will only be a member of the popular crowd
if he swigs Pepsi. Teens fear exclusion more
than anything else.
Research has shown that the younger the audience
members, the more receptive they are to these
essentially downbeat messages. Even 1 year
olds can be influenced by TV ads! Media-savvy
teens, however, are more likely to be able
to withstand this onslaught and remain optimistic.
Research has also shown that violent films,
songs and computer games engender pessimism
and depression. Yet less than 17 percent of
parents in the U.S. have any rules as to what
their tweens watch or what video games they
play.
Again, there is good news: Uplifting TV shows,
Web sites and movies actually engender optimism
in tweens and teens. But there’s a catch.
It’s no good if a parent tells a teen
to watch less violent shows if that parent
is addicted to gory programming. Walk the
talk, parents!
Parenting tip: Talk to your adolescents, explaining
how advertisers seek to persuade them. Monitor
what games come into the house or are downloaded
from the Web. Have firm rules as to what shows
the family may watch.
4. Create a Firm Set of Family Values
One of the most interesting pieces of information
to emerge from recent studies is the connection
between a strong grasp of family values and
teenage optimism. These values can be secular
or religious. Teens from families who have
a strong value system are also less likely
to take drugs or alcohol, smoke or indulge
in risky or premature sex.
The importance of values has been declining
in the nation (despite the growth in religious
beliefs). Many researchers point to this as
a main reason for the exponential rise in
teen pessimism, depression and even suicide.
However, it’s never too late to instill
values. Sit down and have a values “pow-wow”
with your friends (or with your kids, if you
are the parent of a teen or tween). Decide
what your core values are, and work out practical
steps to promote the values with each other
and within the community.
Parenting tip: The earlier you begin the values
process, the more optimistic your kids will
be.
5. Instill a Culture of Praise
The simplest thing you can do to engender
optimism in your friend (or teen) is to praise
him! The tragedy is that so few friends and
parents do give praise.
There are three kinds of praise, and each
is important if you want to have an optimistic
and resilient friend (or tween or teenager).
•“What” praise: praise for
doing something well, such as passing the
exam, winning the race, overcoming the obstacle.
•“How” praise: praise for
the way someone does things. Praise your friend
for the effort he contributes (even if he
doesn’t succeed). Praise the way he
went about things or his ingenuity.
•“Who” praise: Praise your
friend for just being who he is. For example
“I really like having you around!”
or “You’re such a fun friend!”
We all need praise, and teens, who are going
through one of the most difficult transitions
of their lives, need it more than most. The
good thing about praise— unlike the
other steps to getting a teen from pessimism
to optimism— is that it’s easy
to do and the results can be spectacular.
Parenting tip: Begin a culture of praise that
includes the whole family.
Bob Murray, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist
based in San Francisco. He and his wife, psychotherapist
Alicia Fortinberry, are the authors of Raising
an Optimistic Child (McGraw-Hill, 2006) and
Creating Optimism (McGraw-Hill, 2004). They
are the founders of the highly-successful
Uplift Program for depression sponsored by
the University of South Florida.
