Declaring Independence
Proving to your parents that you’re
worthy of responsibility.
by Dr. David Lowenstein
TWEENS & TEENS News January 2007
Are you and your friends begging for
more freedom? Do you get the feeling no one
is listening? It might help to know that your
parents are walking a tightrope, struggling
to find balance when it comes to how much
independence they should grant you. Parents
want you to be confident and able to do things
for yourself, but they know from experience
that the world can be a dangerous place.
Some parents fear being coaxed into giving
you too much freedom before you are ready
to handle the responsibility. It may seem
that they cling too tightly, denying you opportunities
and fun. The truth is that they want you to
have responsibilities, opportunities and fun,
yet they worry about the choices you have
to make and the price you may have to pay
for poor decisions.
Research shows that kids your age are happiest
when they stay closely connected to their
parents while at the same time are allowed
to have their own points of view. Disagreements
about independence are fine, as long as families
discuss the source of conflict and then agree
to disagree!
Here are some tips to help you gain the independence
you want during adolescence:
Understand the reason for limits. Parents
set limits. It’s their job! Think of
limits as a security blanket to protect you,
not a barrier to prevent you from having a
good time.
When in doubt, ask questions. Many arguments
between parents and kids arise from misunderstandings.
When your parents ask you to do something
like clean your room, make sure you understand
what they mean by “clean.” Your
definition of a clean room and your Mom’s
definition may be two different things! When
you understand the specific instructions,
you can deliver on the expectation and be
seen as responsible.
Never miss a chance to shine. If you are just
beginning to earn some independence, show
your parents that you can make smart choices
and be trusted every chance you get. If homework
must be done before you go to bed, do it before
supper and bask in the glow of being responsible.
Then enjoy your free time before bed.
Small steps add up to big rewards. Many parents
feel comfortable giving a little bit of independence
at a time. Go with it. Show them you are responsible
at each step, and soon you’ll prove
you can handle additional responsibilities.
Let’s take shopping as an example. First
you might be allowed to choose which sneakers
to buy within a certain price range. Later
your parents might let you shop alone with
the understanding that they have veto privileges
and price tags won’t be removed until
you come home. Once you prove that you are
a savvy and responsible shopper, then you
can ask for a clothing allowance to spend
as you like.
Stay safe and healthy. Expect your parents
to put their foot down hard when it comes
to any activity that will threaten your health
or safety. Period. The good news is that your
parents love you and want to see you and your
friends enjoy all the great experiences of
your “wild and crazy” youth. Yet,
it is crucial to understand that even though
you feel young and invincible, your parents
know that serious injuries and even death
during the teen years are most often caused
by violence and accidents beyond your control—
no matter how responsible you are. Trust them
on this.
Be prepared to compromise on the big issues.
Some things are just not worth fighting about,
and your parents know this. They may be offended
by some of the clothes you wear to school,
but this is generally not a choice that puts
you in danger or limits possibilities for
the future. They care about the big issues
and they are willing to fight— and win—
when it comes to how such issues affect your
future. For instance, you have heard over
and over that smoking is unhealthy, but you
have not watched a friend or family member
die of lung cancer. Your parents most likely
have.
Give your parents a break and listen to what
they have to say about the choices you make
today that could help or harm you tomorrow,
and for years to come. There are good and
bad decisions, and knowing one from the other
can make all the difference in your future.
Your parents are your guardians, “the
keepers of your options,” until you
are old enough to assume responsibility for
the big issues.
Accept a little guidance. While parents may
seem like control freaks, they find it difficult
to let you take a chance of falling flat on
your face when a little guidance might make
you a superstar. You may not be fully aware
of the opportunities or pitfalls in your latest
endeavor. Whether it’s a big issue or
a small decision, all choices have consequences.
Try listening to your parents’ advice.
You might be surprised at how much they remember
about the situation you are experiencing.
On the other hand, don’t hesitate to
give a little advice yourself. Your ideas
help your parents and, again, show that you
are thoughtful and responsible. From a suggestion
on how to handle a potential drinking and
driving situation to a last minute idea for
an inexpensive yet festive meal to celebrate
Dad’s birthday, your interest and input
will be appreciated.
Bounce back from your mistakes. Parents suffer
right along with you when you make mistakes,
especially if the consequences are serious.
But taking responsibility for solving problems,
making choices and even making mistakes is
an important part of gaining independence.
Taking responsibility for your mistakes teaches
you how to pick yourself up and start over.
Once you develop the ability to bounce back
after failure, you have a skill that will
serve you well throughout life. One word of
caution: If a situation is dangerous or possibly
life changing, always ask for insight from
parents and other adults. Remember it is better
to be rescued by your parents and slightly
embarrassed than injured for life because
of your pride and hasty urge for independence.
Take responsibility for mistakes. You lose
credibility with your parents if you arrive
home at midnight, ignoring the 10pm curfew.
They have probably been up worrying and missed
sleep. In addition, they likely have lost
a little faith in your ability to behave responsibly.
Instead of arguing, why not apologize and
offer to make breakfast or take on a chore
the next day to lighten their load? Accept
the consequences for arriving home two hours
late and try to be more considerate in the
future.
Kids your age almost always have more in common
with their parents than you might believe.
Look beyond the surface to see the caring,
experienced and fun people who love guiding
you— your parents! Then try to imagine
them as teenagers. They will be the first
to tell you that “independence day”
and a midnight curfew will be here before
you know it.
Until then, do your best to enjoy the comfort
and security of your family while you practice
spreading your wings.
Communication Tips for Parents
Experts have found that when parents know
where their kids are and what they are doing,
adolescents are at a lower risk for a range
of bad experiences, including drug and alcohol
use, delinquency and violence.
The key to helping prevent these poor choices
is successful communication. Establish trust
as you forge a close relationship built on
mutual respect. Here are a few ways to successfully
communicate with your tweens and teens:
•Be inquisitive but don’t interfere
with your teenager’s life as you work
to respect your child’s privacy.
•Listen and avoid interrupting your
teen when he or she talks with you.
•Talk over differences and limit disagreements
by putting in place clear expectations.
•Avoid overreacting, which can lead
to flared tempers and closed conversations.
•Communicate with kindness and respect,
and talk about things that are important to
your teen. How you say something can be as
important as what you say.
•Pay attention to your child’s
style of conversation. Not everyone communicates
the same way— learn what methods of
conversation work best in your relationship
with your tween or teen.
Dr. David Lowenstein is a psychologist
with over 25 years of clinical experience
in his private practice in Columbus, Ohio.
He specializes in individual, group and family
therapy with children and adolescents. Dr.
Lowenstein conducts workshops for parent-teacher
organizations nationwide on a variety of relevant
topics. Visit his Web site at www.drlowenstein.com
or contact him at drlowenstein@drlowenstein.com.
