Life Outside the
Box
How tolerant are you of gay families?
by Cynthia Phillips and Shana Priwer
TWEENS & TEENS News January
2007
Tina* is an average 11-year-old girl who
just started 6th grade. Beginning middle school
was a big change, after leaving her elementary
school that was full of kids she’d known
all her life. One day Tina came home from
school with a question for her parents, Melanie
and James. “I just met a new girl in
math class,” Tina said. “Her name
is Ivy and she seems nice. But when I asked
her what she was doing this weekend, she said
that she was going to the aquarium with her
Moms and her little sister. I asked Ivy what
she meant, and she said that she had two moms.
Mom? Dad?”
Tina’s question is becoming more and
more common, as children of gay and lesbian
parents continue to increase in number and
become more open about their family situations.
Recent estimates based on the 2000 U.S. Census
indicate that at least one to nine million
and maybe as many as six to 14 million children
are being raised by at least one gay or lesbian
parent. These gay or lesbian parented families
are distributed all over the country, not
just in traditionally liberal urban areas.
The odds are good that at least a few gay
or lesbian parents live in your town, and
some of their children may attend school with
you (or your kids).
How should you respond when you encounter
another tween or teen with a different family
makeup? Remember, kids are easily influenced
by their peers’ attitudes, as well as
their parents, respected adult friends and
relatives. If friends, siblings or parents
often make disparaging remarks about gay or
lesbian people, it is likely that listening
tweens and teens will pick up on the prejudice,
even if disapproving comments are not meant
to be said when kids are within earshot. Kids
are naturally open-minded; if parents present
the reality that there are many different
kinds of families early in childhood, tweens
and teens will likely be surprisingly tolerant
and accepting of differences.
Children who first encounter a child with
two moms or two dads in the elementary school
years will probably just accept this different
family configuration as another in the constellation
of differences. After all, most families are
not exactly like your family! Kids this age
will accept all sorts of differences, including
families with little brothers, dogs, grandparents,
a Mom with glasses or sister in a wheelchair.
Elementary school teachers can do their part
by including lessons about family structure.
Teachers can emphasize that all families are
different and that while perhaps most of the
children in the class have one mother and
one father, that some kids have a father and
a stepmother, or live with their grandparents
or a single father, or have two moms or dads.
Unfortunately, by the time children reach
the tween years, tolerance of differences
has often been replaced with a desperate desire
to blend in and be just like everyone else.
Anyone who does not fit this “norm”
is teased, and kids with gay or lesbian parents
could potentially be targeted.
Even tweens who do not tease kids for being
different are often taken aback by a friend’s
different family background if that friend
has two moms or two dads. This typically occurs
when a tween encounters a gay or lesbian family
for the first time during adolescence, in
direct contrast to a child’s easy acceptance
of just a few years earlier.
Melanie and James were a bit surprised at
first by Tina’s statement about her
new friend, but were able to respond in a
way that encouraged Tina to understand and
accept how Ivy’s family was both different
from, and the same as, her own. “We
told Tina,” James recalls, “that
families come in many different shapes and
forms. We reminded her that some families
have two moms or two dads, and that her friends
Sam and Susie, children of my college roommate,
in fact have two dads! Tina had forgotten
about them, since we don’t see them
that often.”
If you, as parents, don’t have a handy
example like Melanie and James did, you can
explain different family types by talking
about a family in the media— Rosie O’Donnell
and her family, for instance. There’s
also an excellent photo exhibit and accompanying
book Love Makes A Family (University of Massachusetts
Press) that documents many different types
of families. Kids and their parents can see
if a local library has the book, or even arrange
for a local showing of the photo exhibit.
See www.lovemakesafamily.org for more information.
Tweens will usually take families at face
value, once they’ve been able to translate
different family configurations into something
familiar. Teens, on the other hand, may be
more interested in the ramifications of being
in a family with same-sex parents as they
start thinking about their own sexuality.
Robert and Linda, a couple with a 14-year-old
son Bobby, overheard Bobby talking about a
kid at school who had two dads, with some
of his friends who were over the house. Linda
recalls, “I was surprised at just how
mean he sounded, saying that Tim must be a
fag just like his dads. I realized that Robert
and I really needed to work on our language:
Robert in particular has a bad habit of yelling
‘fag’ at football players on the
television screen when his favorite team is
losing. We talked about it, and when Robert
heard what Bobby had said, he realized that
he needed to clean up his act.”
Robert and Linda had a talk with Bobby about
what they’d overheard. Bobby was upset
at first that his parents had been listening
in on what he’d said. However, he paid
extreme attention when Robert admitted that
he had realized he should stop using fag as
an insult.
Linda stepped in to ask Bobby why he thought
Tim must be gay. “I don’t know,”
said Bobby, “Isn’t he just going
to be gay if his dads are? Like, isn’t
it genetic?” Linda explained that while
being gay may or may not be a genetic tendency,
it certainly isn’t a definite conclusion.
In addition, Linda explained that being gay
isn’t contagious. Scientists aren’t
exactly sure why some people are gay and others
are straight; but, they know that plenty of
gay people grow up in straight families. Bobby
thought about it for a minute, then agreed
hypothetically, “If gay people can grow
up in straight families, then why can’t
straight people grow up in gay families?”
Modeling respect and tolerance for different
kinds of families is an important lesson that
teens and parents can teach younger siblings
and their children. Gay and lesbian parented
families are only increasing in number as
society’s acceptance grows. Civil rights
like same-sex marriage, while currently a
hotly debated issue, will likely become more
common over time. Part of parents’ job
is to give their children the skills and values
that will help them to succeed and relate
well with others. Accepting that some kids
may have same-sex parents is an important
first step towards accepting many other kids
of diversity.
*Names in this article have been changed
to protect the privacy of the individuals
interviewed.
Cynthia Phillips and Shana Priwer are
lesbian parents and co-authors of Gay Parenting:
Complete Guide for Same-Sex Families (New
Horizon Press). They live in the San Francisco
Bay Area with their three children.
