Life Is Not Fair
And other rules kids don't learn in school.
by Charles J. Sykes
TWEENS & TEENS News October 2007
Rule One: Life is not fair. Get used
to it.
The average teenager uses the phrase “it’s
not fair” 8.6 times a day. Contemporary
kids acquired the phrase from their parents,
who said it so often they decided they must
be the most idealistic generation ever. When
those parents started hearing it from their
own kids, they understood the rule as truth.
Rule Two: The real world won’t care
as much as your school does about your self-esteem.
The real world expects you to accomplish something
before you feel good about yourself. This
may come as a shock. When inflated self-esteem
meets reality, most kids complain that it’s
not fair. (See Rule One.)
Once upon a time, rules like these probably
wouldn’t have raised any eyebrows. Previous
generations knew that if we wanted to raise
confident, self-reliant adults, we had to
prepare young people for the bruises and setbacks
of life. Parents knew where to turn for sound,
realistic advice.
Somewhere along the line, an entire generation
of educators came to think it was more important
that our kids feel good about themselves than
actually learn how to survive in the real
world. Too many grown-ups decided they would
rather be their child’s buddy than his
or her parent, and that it was a good idea
to flatter, pamper and bubble wrap kids.
The modern bubble wrap mentality assumes that
kids are so frail and easily bruised that
they have to be insulated from life. No losing,
no disappointments, no harsh reality checks.
But, like a child who grows up in a bubble
without developing any immunities to the outside
world, a child raised in bubble wrap is not
prepared for the facts of life, including
things like failures, frustrations and tough
choices. A tough choice for a bubble-wrapped
tween might be deciding what color to choose
to adorn his or her iPod.
In many ways, these are the best of times
to be a child in America. But these are also
one of the worst of times, because seldom
if ever has a generation been less equipped
to cope with the world’s hardships.
We aren’t just failing to make “rugged
individuals.” We may be failing to inspire
competent adults.
For many kids raised in bubble wrap, life
is turning out to be both overwhelming and
disappointing. Adults are releasing teens
into the world with grossly inflated expectations,
but without the tools teens need to cope with
life’s inevitable setbacks and speed
bumps. Expectations are generally infinite,
especially when they aren’t tempered
by reality, making young adults’ letdowns
and flameouts almost inevitable. A recent
Pew Research Center poll found that most 18
to 25 year olds thought that getting rich
and famous was their generation’s most
important life goal. Reality will bite hard
for this generation that has been raised with
delusions of “specialness” and
unrealistic expectations.
What young people need today is not more vague
sappy nostrums about “being yourself,”
or “following your dreams,” but
a reality check that tells you that life isn’t
fair, you aren’t entitled to everything
and the world doesn’t care about your
feelings quite as much as Mommy and Daddy
do. Such thinking is an antidote to our culture
of complacency and indulgence.
Somebody’s got to say it, so it might
as well be me. Some of the most important
life lessons that I list in my book 50 Rules
Your Kids Won’t Learn in School (St.
Martin’s Press) deal with giving kids
reasonable expectations— along with
limits. Rule Number Six is meant as a reality
check: “No, you cannot be everything
you dream… unless you have the talent,
the education and the commitment to work for
it.”
Rule Number Four is related: “You are
not entitled… to a 42 inch plasma screen
TV with surround sound, a Porsche Boxter,
a cell phone with limitless text messaging
and blue tooth, a condo with a pool, a laptop
computer, a DVR, the double latte with cream,
a Ferrari, or the new Michael Jordan running
shoes. You are also not entitled to everything
your parents have; everything you see on TV
or in magazines. You’ll have to work
for all of it. And then figure out how to
pay for it.”
Once you get over the basics, you can move
on to the other life lessons: “Your
navel is not that interesting. Don’t
spend your life gazing at it... You’re
not going to the NBA so hold off on the bling
and spare us the attitude… You are not
immortal… Someday you may have to grow
up and actually move out of your parent’s
house.” And: “Don’t forget
to say thank you.”
Lastly, don’t expect your parents to
be popular. A parent’s job isn’t
to entertain kids— it’s to raise
them. Sometimes there’s a difference
between being a pal and being a parent. Maybe
that should be the 51st Rule.
Charles J. Sykes is a radio and television
talk show host in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, and
a columnist who has written for The New York
Times, The Wall Street Journal and USA Today.
He is the author of 50 Rules Your Kids Won’t
Learn in School (St. Martin’s Press).
Find more information at www.the50rules.com.
