Parent Decoder
A user's guide to understanding and managing
your parents.
by Jake Miller
TWEENS & TEENS News
September 2007
Parents can be great for many things. But,
they can also be confusing and lots of work
if you don’t know how to handle them.
Have you ever wanted to know what’s
really going on in your Dad’s head or
if there’s a pattern to your Mom’s
million-and-one moods?
Understanding your parents is just the first
step. Once you figure out what makes them
tick— and what ticks them off—
you can use that knowledge to get on their
good sides, and that can help you get what
you need in life. Parental insight can be
as simple as asking the right parent the right
question at the right time. It can also be
as complicated as considering your parents
as people who once were teens, while you teach
them
that you’re no longer a little kid.
Mastering these skills is a must if you want
to learn how to manage your parents.
Uncovering Parents’ Mysterious
Ways
With their bizarre clothing, frightening hair
styles and questionable habits, parents’
ways may seem strange at first. However, deep
down, underneath the sequined dresses and
comb-overs, lie clues that parents are human
beings just like the rest of us.
Does your Mom come home and change into her
ratty, old sweatpants when she is in a calm,
peaceful mood— or when she has had the
worst kind of day and she is ready to explode?
Does your Dad prune the hedges when he feels
at peace with the world— or when he
needs to chop things up in order to keep from
blowing a fuse? Learning to read clues like
these can help you determine when it’s
the best time to seek permission to stay out
past curfew, or when little gestures will
score bonus brownie points. Instead of asking
exhausted, stressed-out Sweatpants Mom what’s
for dinner, offer to order a pizza with her
favorite toppings.
Your Parents’ Split Personalities
Keep in mind, every parent has many personalities
that may come and go at a moment’s notice.
With a little study, such as observing how
your folks react under different circumstances,
you can recognize different moods. When you
need your parents for something, pay attention
to which one of their moods you’re presently
dealing with, allowing you to change tactics
to suit the mood of the moment. There’s
nothing worse than thinking you’re talking
to Friend Mom when she has transformed into
Angry Mom minutes before your conversation.
It doesn’t take special skills to know
that smiling generally means your Mom is happy
and crying means she’s sad. The trick
here is to look for clues that will help you
predict when she’s going to get sad,
so those sudden mood swings don’t come
as such a surprise. Does Mom run the vacuum
cleaner to try to keep from getting upset?
Is there a particular friend she phones right
before a breakdown? If you can forecast a
tirade approaching, you should probably point
out something good your Dad or your brother
has done in order to distract your Mom from
exploding.
Don’t limit yourself to studying the
full-grown versions of your parents. You can
learn a lot from the personalities they had
when they were young. Understanding what parents
were like when they were growing up can help
you grasp where they’re coming from
as parents— and provide you with information
to help negotiate with them. Talk to your
grandparents, read your parents’ high
school yearbooks, pay special attention to
the “metal” and “punk”
categories on their iPods or, heaven forbid,
their record collections. Such background
details help you talk to your parents in a
language they comprehend, like telling your
Dad that the goth music you play is similar
to Bon Jovi, but with more piercings. Your
Dad will either understand what you’re
trying to communicate or he’ll wander
off to try to find some acid-washed jeans
that still fit him.
Your Secret Weapon
Despite hosting boring dinner parties and
meetings, your parents typically have reasons
for doing things. Yet, unless they willingly
share their reasons with you, you don’t
have any idea what goes through your parents’
minds and why they have such thoughts. By
keeping secret notes on how your Mom and Dad
act, however, you can learn a lot of hidden
information about them, including some things
they may not even know about themselves. And
there’s an even sneakier way to figure
out what your parents might be thinking and
planning: Ask them. As your parents probably
won’t be expecting such a radical approach,
they’ll openly disclose information
while you catch them off-guard.
There are many schools of thought regarding
the best timing to tackle this technique.
The truth is, it really depends on your parents.
Some parents are more apt to give you useful
information when they are in a good mood.
Others will blurt out their darkest secrets
when they are angry or scared. Does your Mom
want you to be extra careful when you go mountain
climbing because she doesn’t want you
to have any fun? Or does her cautious thinking
stem from a terrifying encounter she experienced
with a yeti in the Himalayas? As a memory
like this would not normally come up in conversation,
you might need to be persuasive and patient
to get to the bottom of things.
Remember: It’s not about getting things
past your parents; it’s about finding
ways to get along with them. If you can have
a bit of freedom and your parents can feel
like you’re safe as you experience new
and exciting moments, then everybody wins.
Who knows, if you’re lucky, your Dad
may even let you turn his acid-washed jeans
into the latest look.
Jake Miller is the author of Decoding
Mom (Orange Avenue) and more than three dozen
other books for young people. He has written
about the biology of spiders and lizards,
so he knows how to interpret the behavior
of strange creatures. Miller thanks his Mom
for everything she’s ever done for him.
And he does not just say that to get on her
good side. Find Decoding Mom at www.orangeavenue.com.
