Sibling Rivalry
Understanding the dynamics among brothers
and sisters.
by Catherine Pearlman, LMSW
TWEENS & TEENS News February 2008
My sister Leah and I are three
years apart. That might not sound like a lot.
But for much of our childhood, it was enough
for her to outsmart me (like the time she
traded a tattered stuffed animal for everything
I owned), physically terrorize me (she used
her nails as weapons) and plain old take advantage
of me.
We bickered in the car about space. We argued
over whether to watch General Hospital or
Tom and Jerry. We even fought over the best
spot on the couch. I wanted to be Leah’s
equal, and she wanted me to vanish. I could
never compete with her, prompting me to antagonize
her endlessly. And because Leah couldn’t
get me to leave her alone, she made my life
unpleasant, hoping her upper hand might keep
me out of her hair.
Twenty years later, Leah is my best friend.
If you told me when I was 11 years old that
we would end up this way, I wouldn’t
have believed it.
Not only will Leah always be there for me,
but she remembers every detail of my childhood.
Now we laugh about our childhood memories
in ways no friend ever could.
How did we evolve from mortal enemies to best
friends? We grew up. Now when we see our fighting
patterns in our own children, we finally understand
the other’s former point of view.
Sibling rivalry has been occurring since the
beginning of time. Up to 85 percent of siblings
have reported using mean words against their
brothers and sisters on a regular basis. Issues
are generally centered on competition for
friends, grades, athletics, parents’
attention, fairness and physical beauty. Studies
have shown that sibling rivalry lacks gender
distinctions: Brothers fight with brothers,
sisters fight with sisters and brothers and
sisters fight with each other, too. Because
sibling struggles are so normal, kids and
parents shouldn’t try to ignore them.
Instead, strive to learn ways to resolve disputes.
While fighting with a sibling might seem to
be a huge annoyance in your life, the good
news is that you will likely benefit from
the conflicts and become a stronger person.
Some researchers have theorized that your
relationship with your brothers and sisters,
above all other relationships, most impacts
your social development. Children who have
siblings learn cooperation and conflict resolution
by resolving arguments at home over and over
again. Each time an issue surfaces, you get
better at resolving it.
A somewhat less enjoyable lesson to learn
is that life is not always fair. There will
always be someone who has more than you, who
is better at basketball or math, or who is
more beautiful. A teacher may favor another
student more or your boss may promote someone
you believe is less worthy than you. Some
discrepancies in life can be fixed but others
we just have to live with. Dealing with some
of the inequities at home prepares you to
be more able to deal with injustices that
happen later in life.
Here are some ways to make your relationship
with your siblings more amicable.
Compromise so each person gains something.
That means no one wins completely, but no
one loses either. Whenever you are in a heated
battle with your sibling, try to find a middle
ground on which you can both agree.
Sharing can often be troublesome for siblings.
Learn how to share fairly. Like, when sharing
dessert, let the rule be one sibling cuts
the cookie, the other picks which half he
or she gets. Sharing the television or a favorite
game can also be a challenge. Try to divide
the time so one day you get to watch your
favorite show or play a game first for 30
minutes. Your sibling gets seconds. The next
day, your sibling gets first choice and you
get second. If you can’t decide who
goes first, then flip a coin. When you alternate,
you learn to share and take turns, and eliminate
a daily argument.
Work with your sibling to solve your disputes
collectively. Unless you are in physical danger,
try to keep your parents out of an argument.
They will probably distort the issue, possibly
take sides and leave you less satisfied than
if you resolved the conflict yourself. Instead,
use the tools learned in this article. If
you feel there is real injustice in how your
parents treat you and your sibling, mention
the issue to your parents at a time when you
are not fighting.
For the older sibling: Try to put yourself
in your younger brother or sister’s
shoes. To him or her, you are the best at
everything— Scrabble, watercolors, Halo
3. You are the funniest, best looking, and
your parents’ cherished first born.
Even if that is not all true, that is how
it seems to the younger family member. Therefore,
every now and then, let your sister use your
special makeup, play your brother in a game
of Horse on the basketball court or help make
a gift for your parents together. This will
satisfy your sibling’s need to be like
you and entice him or her to cut you some
slack and give you a break sometimes.
For the younger sibling: Try to think about
how your brother or sister feels when he or
she is with older kids and you want to tag
along. Sometimes your sibling may want to
roller blade to the mall or stay out a little
later on a school night— stuff that
only older kids can do. Instead of competing
with your sibling’s friends, try to
find other times when he or she might share
an activity with you.
Respect your sibling’s possessions in
the hopes that he or she will also respect
yours. Because I couldn’t compete with
my sister, I used to secretly steal her money
to get back at her. It felt good at the moment,
but it didn’t get me any closer to her—
what I truly desired. Stealing from my sister
merely further motivated her to tamper with
the contents in my room.
Being a good sister or brother is hard work.
It isn’t always fair. It isn’t
always fun. But, your sibling is family and,
for better or worse, a part of your world.
If you can find ways to fight less now, you
will sooner reap the rewards of friendship
instead of the burdens of sibling rivalry.
Catherine Pearlman, LMSW, has been working
professionally with children and families
for 14 years. Pearlman started The Family
Coach, LLC., which provides in-home assistance
for a wide variety of problems, such as sleep
issues, behavior challenges, ADHD, toilet
training, separation anxiety, new sibling
adjustments, new parent concerns and transitions
from bottles and pacifiers. Contact Pearlman
at www.nyfamilycoach.com.
