Say What?
Bridging the parent-teen communication gap.
by Al Parisi
TWEENS & TEENS News March 2008
Communication among parents and teenagers
has never been more challenging. Many tweens
and teens today spend more time in afterschool
programs, with friends, on sports fields and
as babysitters, than they spend with their
parents. Meanwhile, sociological factors such
as peer pressure, widely accessible cable
TV, few family-oriented television programs,
excessive video and computer games, the popularity
of the Internet, and readily available drugs
and alcohol distance teens from their parents.
A teen needs to ask, “Am I letting these
distractions affect my relationship with my
family, especially my parents?” If you
truly seek to get along with your parents,
be honest with yourself.
It is rare to find a successful business person
or professional doctor, lawyer or athlete—
from Michael Jordan to Tiger Woods and the
Williams sisters— who did not have a
strong relationship with a parent. Isn’t
that fact enough to motivate you to strengthen
the relationship with your parents?
Effective ways exist to repair the parent-teen
communication gap. Most families experience
frustrations about everything from curfew
and homework rules to dating. But with patience
and perseverance, different generations in
a family can reestablish ties and good dialogue.
Reopening the lines of communication is key.
When we speak of communication, we really
mean dialogue. Dialogue requires active listening,
as listening is a necessary but often overlooked
component of good communication. If one party
is not listening to what is being said, then
there is no dialogue. Effective listening
requires focusing on what is being said both
verbally and physically. However, many teens
and parents listen with their own agendas,
mentally preparing their counter arguments,
and thus missing the true nature of what was
said.
When a parent asks for your attention, all
extraneous activity must cease. What your
parent has to say at that moment is more important
than any activity, meaning turn your attention
away from the TV, the stereo, the computer
or even your cell phone or homework. Focusing
solely on your parent clearly indicates to
the parent speaking that he or she has your
undivided attention. Next, maintain constant
eye contact. And regardless of the parent’s
tone of voice, avoid the urge to interrupt.
Doing so serves no purpose and may worsen
the situation.
When the parent has finished talking, respond
in a positive way. Assure your parents you
love them. Tell them how much you need their
advice and guidance. It is wise to structure
your verbal response in the form of a question.
For example, “You know I love you and
need your guidance, don’t you?”
This is a subtle but profound reminder of
their role as your parents.
When the conversation ends, hug your parent
or parents, no matter how awkward it may be.
Physical communication is powerful. From this
point, the healing process can continue, requiring
additional patience and understanding. The
good news: Often when parent-teen bonds are
reestablished, they are stronger than ever.
Not all teens have parents who initiate dialogue.
In this case, the teen should spark a conversation.
One way is to simply ask “Can we talk?”
or “Mom/Dad, when is it a good time
to talk?”
Your parent will likely reply “Talk
about what?” An appropriate response:
“We have each been so busy lately that
we haven’t had much quality time together.
I would like to fix that, wouldn’t you?
How about we meet for breakfast (or lunch,
dinner or a late-night snack) tomorrow at…?”
Teens, you are relentless when you want something.
Maintaining effective dialogue requires the
same vigor. No parent-teen healing can begin
until a meeting has been established. If you
are involved in extracurricular activities,
invite your parent to an event, like a competition
or meeting. Afterward, suggest going for ice
cream or dinner, whatever seems appropriate.
If possible, hold the early meetings to reestablish
parent-teen communication away from home.
Talking in a public place increases the probability
of a cordial conversation. Relevant dialogue
should be limited to ten minutes at first
and can be expanded in subsequent get-togethers.
Fill the time by sharing tidbits about school
and friends. Or, ask questions about Aunt
Sally and Cousin Joe; this may help recapture
a sense of family. How the message is delivered
far outweighs what is said. In other words,
remember to smile and maintain eye contact.
Basically, about 80 percent of how the message
is delivered will be remembered whereas only
20 percent of what is said will be committed
to memory. This is another reason for brevity.
A creative way to initiate the dialogue process
is by posting short notes in conspicuous areas
for parents to find, like taped to the bathroom
mirror, left on a bedroom pillow, posted on
the kitchen door or put on the car windshield.
Initially, the note should ask for a convenient
time to meet, and be signed “Love, (your
name).” My children and I found that
leaving notes for each other served as an
effective way to communicate.
Even during the process of healing, it is
common for parents to say things they don’t
mean. Though such words may be hurtful, they’re
generally just intended to illicit a response.
Instead of being defensive, say “Help
me to understand why you feel that way.”
The parent now needs to justify what he or
she said. Also, good listening provides a
great deal of information that should help
determine the next course of action. Be sure
to end the conversation on a positive note.
Thank your parent for a wonderful time. Saying
thanks to your parents at every opportunity
does wonders for their psyche— and your
overall relationship.
More Parent-Teen Communication Pointers
Many teens feel their parents criticize them
unjustly. However, parents typically just
want to ensure their teens do not repeat mistakes.
And sometimes parents improperly structure
what was meant as constructive criticism.
Nonetheless, your response should resemble
“help me to understand what you mean.”
Also, ask yourself the following reflection
questions to confirm you’re doing your
part in maintaining good communication at
home and remaining a stand-up teen.
•Do I have difficulty forgiving people,
frequently holding grudges?
•Do I show thanks for what others do
for me?
•Do I participate in family activities?
•How helpful am I at home?
•Do I let peers influence me?
•Do I take responsibility for my actions?
•Do I love unconditionally?
Al Parisi is a long-time coach, teacher
and speaker. He has co-authored two books
on the parent-teenager relationship, one with
his daughter Ann Marie, a 24-year-old 3rd
grade teacher, and one with his son Anthony,
a 19-year-old college sophomore. Both books
are under the title of Lunch Bag Notes (Loyola
Press). To learn more, visit www.lunchbagnotes.com.
